If Eminem & Justin Timberlake Had A Child

Stuff like this amazes me. Little Kyle has been busy throughout his formative years, accounting for a Jordanesque 40% of crime in Clitheroe, Lancashire. Before I talk about that, how cool is the name Clitheroe? I think I’d pay 3 grand to have a couple name their daughter that. Now back to Kyle:

Officers told a court yesterday that 17-year-old Kyle Ivison was personally responsible for a 40 per cent rise in violent crime in the town, committing more than 120 offences involving drink, drugs and vandalism…

Now it’s not like Clitheroe is London, but it’s not a tiny village either. At 22,000 people, they’ve got to have at least a few other bad apples. Right now, those other bad apples should be embarrassed. Kyle is completely outclassing them with his singleminded devotion to his craft. The ranks of Jordan, Woods, Brady, Gretzky, and Montana have been augmented by one Kyle Ivison. He’s rapidly becoming the gold standard among inveterate douchebags the world over.

Magistrates in Accrington were told Ivison first appeared on police records for just one offence in 2003 and another in 2004.

There were nine in 2005, then 56 in 2006 and 48 already in 2007.

In May, he was convicted of a catalogue of offences during which he:

• Smashed a church’s windows, causing £1,400-worth of damage.

• Filmed himself smashing up 21 cars, jumping on them, kicking them and ramming one with a shopping trolley.

• Got drunk with a 15-year-old girl who had to be taken to hospital by ambulance.

• Destroyed a neighbour’s garden shed by setting fire to it.

That’s versatility.

So what are they doing about this Capone-in-the-making?

Under the terms of the Asbo, Ivison must not be in any public place between 10pm and 7am for the next six months.

He must not enter premises from which he has been excluded and must not remain in any premises having been asked to leave.

He is also banned from consuming or being in possession of any intoxicant or illegal drug in a public place or gathering in public with eight named individuals.

Basically, he’s grounded. Seems like if they really wanted to take of this problem, they could find a drunk chick for him to screw, thus making him a rapist, and ultimately, a rapee.