On Drugs And Candy

I was searching Youtube for a specific commercial the other day. Being a fairly new one, I actually had some difficulty finding it. However, I began to notice a trend that can only point to one possible conclusion: Citrus candies are loaded with peyote. I decided to explore this some more, and to post something about it, with five of the more bizarre commercials. Unfortunately, there’s no way I can choose only five. To that end, we’re looking at a top ten list. Yeah I know; originality abounds.

10. Starburst “Friends” — If I had a nickel for every time one of my possessions told me to do something horrible to my friends, I’d have enough money to buy another friend. Of course, I’d promptly light his couch on fire, but hey, that’s another nickel right there. Besides, my iPod told me to.

9. Starburst “Berries & Cream” — This commercial is brilliant. At first glance, you wonder just who in the hell is going to buy any product shilled by a middle-aged man pretending to be a gay, English schoolboy. Ok, so maybe ‘gay’ & ‘English’ are redundant, but I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt. However, this ad has started a phenomenon. There are countless versions of this commercial on Youtube. It’s as if the general public is stupid. Seriously, who’d have thunk it?

8. Skittles “The Leak” — You really get a chance to see the hallucinogenic properties of peyote at work here. This commercial is one part acid trip, one part Wonka, and one part “what the fuck?”

7. Starburst “Obsession” — Loosely based on the video for Lionel Richie’s “Hello.” I would have ranked this one higher, but this idea is so played. Seriously, haven’t there been 50 or 60 commercials based on Lionel Richie’s “Hello?”

6. Skittles “The Beard” — Another check mark in the nightmare fuel column. The first time I saw this commercial, I ripped my shirt and screamed to the heavens. Whyyyyyyyy!? Whyyyyyy!? No, it’s cool to watch it; I actually do that a lot.

5. Starburst “Fiesta in my Mouth” — I believe the working title for this was “Weekend in Matamoros.” This commercial looks innocent enough. It’s creative, but fairly run-of-the-mill, until all of a sudden it turns into a Mariachi snuff film. The remarkable thing is that just a few days ago, I remarked to a friend that it had been forever since I’d seen a Mariachi snuff film.

4. Starburst “Acid” — The idea is that these Starburst are really good. I don’t doubt that, but after losing one limb, I’m going back to the vending machine. Seems less like a testament to the taste of the candy than to how lazy these guys are.

3. Skittles “Singing Bunny” — In honor of a certain bunny eater I know. Wow, that reads differently than I expected.

2. Skittles “Sheep Boys” — It’s hard to know what to say about this one. It’s also fairly hard to watch. Here’s how I did it. Using my hands to block my view of the sheep bodies, I was able to pretend that I was watching a deleted scene from Amadeus. Not a perfect solution, but desperate times blah blah desperate measures.

1. Skittles “Sour Milk — This is actually the commercial I had initially set out to find. I’m still not sure how this is on American TV, but I’m proud that it is. Also, let’s play Count the Teats! Not only are we hooking an old man up to a milking machine, but we’re giving him 6 teats. That’s right; they’re using a modified milking machine. It seems like such a minor detail, but really, it makes the commercial what it is. 2 fewer teats, and this commercial is pretty average. By the way, this blog entry was brought to you by the word ‘teat.’