When the Going Gets Weird, the Weird Turn Pro — HST
Stuff like this amazes me. Little Kyle has been busy throughout his formative years, accounting for a Jordanesque 40% of crime in Clitheroe, Lancashire. Before I talk about that, how cool is the name Clitheroe? I think I’d pay 3 grand to have a couple name their daughter that. Now back to Kyle:
This is is based on No. 44, The Mysterious Stranger
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terminally dumb
fuck you and your monkey brain
you suck at thinking
Before we watched Night Warning at the Last Night at the Original Alamo Drafthouse, we were introduced to Susan Tyrrell, the star of the film. She was wheeled up on to the stage by Alamo regular David Strong, having lost her legs in 2000 to a rare blood disease. Her artificial legs were ‘tattooed’ with metallic dragons. I can neither confirm nor deny reports that she’s a bionic sex witch, but it wouldn’t surprise me in the least. Initially, she seemed surprised that anyone would want to watch this movie, which she admitted she had never seen. This night was no exception, as she stayed in the lobby “where the booze is!” during the film, returning afterward for more Q&A. She repeatedly attempted escape, at one point throwing her microphone off of the stage. Most of the questions were pretty inane, and her answers were largely evasive or in some cases, unintelligible. However, two questions and answers stuck out:
Part 3 – Night Warning
After Earthquake, I worked up the courage to go down and harass Harry Knowles for an autograph. I don’t really know what I was expecting, but he was very gracious, personalizing it and writing “It ain’t cool that this is the last night at the Original Alamo! He also drew his signature doodle of his face, and signed his name. Geek heaven. While he was signing, they threw a few more blasts from the Earthquake sound system our way, and I got the full effect of the subwoofers at relatively close range. I think I’m sterile. Here’s hoping, anyway. I also noticed that the only ceiling tile that had come loose was directly above Harry. No biggie; the novelty hard hat would protect him. I stuck around long enough to wish him luck on his upcoming wedding and collect my autograph before triumphantly walking back to my seat where I attempted to explain to my uncle who Harry Knowles is, and why it’s a big deal that I got his autograph.
Part 2 — Earthquake
After Big Night, Harry Knowles presented ADH founders Tim and Karrie League with a painting of the original Drafthouse by local artist Gordon Jones. While this was going on, and Tim was introducing the next movie, the staff was passed out yellow hard hats. Tim explained that the waiver we had signed and the hard hats were necessary because of the insane sound system that they had constructed for this movie, and because 10 years ago Tim personally installed the drop ceiling in the theater and did “a shitty job.” We also learned that they specifically chose this movie and created the sound system as a final “fuck you” to the neighboring clubs, who had subjected moviegoers to years of “shitty, badly programmed, techno music” on an almost nightly basis between midnight and two. I can really appreciate that Tim is a guy who likes to do things right.
On June 27th, I attended the final night of the original Alamo Draft House in Austin, TX. I was fortunate enough to obtain tickets for the entire triple feature of Big Night, Earthquake, and Night Warning. It included a 6-course Italian feast during Big Night, hard hats during Earthquake, and a Q&A with Susan Tyrrell before and after Night Warning. To top it off, my tickets included 4 of the seats from the theater.
you smell like anus
it’s like you bathed in vomit
pigs shrink from your air
