My Diseased Mind

Archive for August, 2007

I’m Told This Isn’t Gay

Friday, August 31st, 2007

Today’s conversation came about as a result of this news story:

Joboo says:
Holy crap! One of the Wachowski brothers had a sex change! That’s awesome.

M says:
Dude!

M says:
I’m looking for pictures now.

Joboo says:
He got hooked up with a dominatrix in LA, so now not only did he have a sex change. He’s a freaking lesbian!

M says:
Right now he’s dressing as a woman and taking hormones. I’ve found two pictures; a before and after…. gotta say, he looks better as a woman.

Joboo says:
She wasn’t exactly a good looking man.

Joboo says:
Dang, you’re right.

M says:
Ok, you found it.

M says:
It’s the only picure I’ve found of Larry as a woman.

Joboo says:
That is just great.

Joboo says:
I have no idea why I’m giggling about this.

M says:
I like it when a plan comes together. Even if that plan involves flaying a penis, inverting it, and tucking it into the pelvic cavity.

Joboo says:
See, that’s funny.

Joboo says:
Incoming by the way.

Joboo says:
So the question comes to mind, what celebrities would make good looking members of the opposite sex?

M says:
Wow, that’s a tough one.

Joboo says:
And the bigger question is, is it gay of us to even contemplate this?

M says:
So far all I have is not Michael Rapaport.

M says:
Freddie Prinze Jr.

Joboo says:
Colin Ferrell

M says:
I was gonna say him! But his jawline is too pronounced.

Joboo says:
And for the record, I don’t think it’s gay because we’re saying if they were women, would they be good looking.

M says:
I’m a little scared that we both came up with Colin first.

M says:
Ryan Phillipe.

Joboo says:
David Niven would have made a good looking woman I think.

M says:
Young Tom Skerritt.

Joboo says:
Hmmm… I don’t know about that.

M says:
I’m thinking M*A*S*H Tom Skerritt.

Joboo says:
Yeah, he was still a little rugged though.

Joboo says:
Dude, Patrick Swayze.

M says:
Oh hell yeah. I’d fuck her.

M says:
Young Travolta.

M says:
Chris Masterson, who played Francis on Malcolm in the Middle.

Joboo says:
Yeah. The only problem with young Travolta woman would be her becoming old fat Travolta woman.

M says:
Yeah, young Travolta’s more of a trophy wife.

Joboo says:
Doogie Howser

Joboo says:
How about Val Kilmer?

M says:
Same with Travolta, but yeah.

M says:
Crispin Glover. Sure, she’s the chick who’ll key your car after a minor disagreement, but crazy fucks good.

Joboo says:
He just gets creepier with age.

M says:
Michael J. Fox.

M says:
Corey Haim, pre-methface.

Joboo says:
You could say the dad from Family Ties too. Michael Gross.

M says:
Jon Bon Jovi and Scott Baio.

M says:
Ok, this is now alarmingly easy.

M says:
David Cassidy.

Joboo says:
JBJ, yeah. Scott Baio, I’m not so sure about.

Joboo says:
Heck, I think a female Bon Jovi would be hotter than 95% of all women in Hollywood.

M says:
Yeah, I’d do her.

M says:
John Cusack.

Joboo says:
All of Duran Duran.

M says:
I’m saying Jack Black not because I think he’d be a hot woman, but because I knew a woman who looked like him.

Joboo says:
Cusack & Jake Gyllenhall are too easy. We have sisters to show what they might look like.

Joboo says:
I saw him Black in a movie where he was cleaned up & everything. I could see it.

M says:
Those two would be 10x hotter than their sisters.

M says:
Especially Cusack.

M says:
Fuck, have you seen the mouth on that guy?

Joboo says:
Cusack yes. No doubt.

M says:
Uh, wow, not sure where that came from.

Joboo says:
No problem. On Duran Duran I was thinking that Simon’s pouty lips would look great if he was a chick.

Joboo says:
Remember, if they were women.

Joboo says:
That was too much huh?

M says:
Nah, I’m trying to picture Redford without all the wrinkles.

M says:
Oh wait, Ricky Schroeder. There you go.

Joboo says:
Dude. Not quite as hot as Jon Bon, but close.

M says:
I’m not sure I can beat that.

Joboo says:
For purposes of my sanity & gag reflex, I’m declaring those 2 the winners.

M says:
Sounds good to me.

Apologies to Jason Bateman and Orlando Bloom. Your exclusions from the list are terrible omissions.

Posted in Joboo, News | 3 Comments »

Overheard On The Way To Soccer Practice

Monday, August 27th, 2007

Today The Boy and I spotted a woman jogging while pushing a baby carriage. I had seen her last week, and strangely, the carriage was empty:

M: Hey, see if she’s got a baby in that carriage.
The Boy: Nope, it’s empty.
M: That’s so creepy. I wonder if her baby’s dead.
The Boy slowly turns his head and stares at me.
M: What? I seriously wonder that. Maybe she went crazy after it died.
The Boy: You scare me Dad.
M: (laughing now) Oh sure, like you weren’t thinking it!
M: (more laughing)
M: (laughing again)

Either he’s going to block it all out and is destined for great things, or he’s chopping me up with an axe when he’s 19. There’s really no middle ground here.

Posted in Book of the Dad | 3 Comments »

Insulting Haiku

Sunday, August 26th, 2007

lil’ bit of whiskey
lil’ bit of shitfaced carnie
drunken midgets suck

Posted in Insulting Haiku | No Comments »

Gunga Galunga

Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007

In a day chock full of strange goings-on, I love this one the most.

Bill Murray could face a drunken driving charge after cruising through downtown Stockholm in a golf cart and refusing to take a breath test, citing U.S. law.

Do I really need to go on here? It’s freakin’ Bill Murray! Oh, and 2 things:

1. He was driving a golf cart through Stockholm, Sweden while drunk.
2. He apparently hadn’t noticed that he’d driven the golf cart from the US to Stockholm.

Holmlund said it wasn’t clear where Murray picked up the vehicle, or to whom it belonged.

“It was a golf cart. How it ended up in this predicament I don’t know,” he said, adding that Murray wasn’t facing any theft charges.

Predicament? How about it was just the luckiest golf cart in the world? Did you even consider that? Most golf carts are doomed to lives of Titleist dents and stale beer farts. This one’s a star. Ok, the beer farts are still there, but it was European beer filtered through Bill Murray!

So it’s got that going for it, which is nice…

Posted in News | 1 Comment »

Welcome!

Monday, August 20th, 2007

To the guy (I’m guessing here) from Minnesota who found this site by way of typing “photo hummer balls oral sex” into Google on Sunday, welcome! I suspect you didn’t find what you were looking for here, but I’ve heard rumors that there are pictures of hummer balls oral sex all over the internet. Good luck in your search.

Posted in Assclownery | 2 Comments »

Insulting Haiku

Sunday, August 19th, 2007

I like my coffee
just like I like my women.
With my dick in it.

Posted in Insulting Haiku | 3 Comments »

Foreign Drivers

Thursday, August 16th, 2007

This guy and this kid make me feel a little better about our cracked out truck drivers on American interstates.

First, Mr. Stoic:

A Japanese man continued to drive his motorcycle for over a mile after losing his right leg below the knee when he hit the central reservation on a motorway in Hamamatsu, south-west of Tokyo.

Ok, did everyone get that? Here, let me help. HE KNOCKED HIS FUCKING LEG OFF! HE KNOCKED HIS FUCKING LEG OFF! FFS, HE KNOCKED HIS FUCKING LEG OFF! Dude’s just going for a bike ride, and all of a sudden, he’s one of the Crazy 88s in Kill Bill.

Mr Osada noticed the loss of his lower leg when he arrived at a junction 2km from the scene of the accident. Another motorcyclist travelling with him returned to pick up the severed limb.

Here’s where I laugh. He didn’t notice his missing leg until he stopped again. Why did he notice it? Because when he stopped, he probably fell right over. If you could ignore the blood spouting from his stump, you’d totally laugh.

Next we’ve got Colonel Heinrich von Sanders:

A 17-year-old German joyrider faces a legal plucking after provoking the death of 300 chickens by crashing a van into their Kassel abode, Reuters reports.

Now I’ve done some stupid things in my life. In fact, I’ve done a great many stupid things for no better reason than the fact that they would make for a great story after the fact. For that reason, I totally envy this kid.

The unnamed perp apparently took the vehicle from a fairground where he was staying and piled it into the nearby chicken shed containing 1,000 birds. A police spokesman explained: “Apparently some of the chickens were so desperate to get away that they ran into the wall and died. Others suffered heart attacks.”

I’d really like to know who had the enviable job of determining the cause of death for the 300 chickens. You’re going about your day, doing rape kits on pigs, when all of a sudden they haul in a parachute full of chicken carcasses marked “RUSH.” Mondays…

Posted in News | 1 Comment »

The ShopCat Saga

Monday, August 13th, 2007

A couple of months ago, my stepmom and The Boy rescued a tiny Siamese-mix kitten along the side of the highway. He was a huge mess, scared to death, and horrifically thin, but my stepmom dutifully cleaned him up, fed him, and gave him a home in the shop/barn on their farm. All told, he was healthier, happier, and seemed to be doing fine. She named him ShopCat.

(more…)

Posted in The Family | 2 Comments »