My Diseased Mind

Mom?

Man, this brings back memories:

AUGUST 30–Meet Holly Schnobrich. The Indiana woman’s mind was clear enough to know she was in no state to get behind the wheel of her car Saturday. But her judgment was so clouded–likely by the painkillers and sleeping pills she had been ingesting–that she tabbed her five-year-old son to act as her designated driver.

Hey, she used a designated driver, so get off her back already. In all of the designated driver PSAs I’ve seen, they’ve never once mentioned that they driver should be of legal driving age, or for that matter, human. Pretty sloppy, PSA producers. This is America, after all.

According to the below probable cause affidavit filed in Tippecanoe County Circuit Court, a neighbor watched as a 2002 Mitsubishi sped around the corner and “screeched to a stop in front of her home.” At the wheel was the young boy and his passengers: his 24-year-old mother, who was in the front passenger seat, and his three-year-old brother.

“…screeched to a stop…” Typical fuckin’ kids.

When her neighbor asked if the child had been driving, Schnobrich replied, “He’s a good driver.”

“My son knows his ABCs.” “Oh yeah? My son can drive my drunk ass home.” How do you top that? “My son restarted my heart with a shot of adrenaline.”

Schnobrich, who told cops she used Percocet and took 86 sleeping pills in the prior two days, was charged with two counts of felony child endangerment and misdemeanor public intoxication. Days before her most recent arrest, Schnobrich pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor operating while intoxicated charge.

86 sleeping pills. Wow, is there even a joke in there? Let’s see. “86 sleeping pills, for when 85 sleeping pills is woefully inadequate!” Nope, no joke there. Clearly, this chick would rather be a good liver than have one. Sure, I’ve used that joke a lot, but it still makes me laugh, so screw you guys.