My Diseased Mind

Hompin’

Most of the names in this post have been changed to protect the innocent. The lone holdout is decidedly not innocent. For sake of simplicity, I lifted all names from the 1985 cinematic tour de force, Weird Science.

What began as a nice dinner at a large steakhouse on a hot Sunday in a dusty, west Texas town took a very abrupt turn.

My great aunt is seated to my left, and Manda is seated to my right. As I’m carving off a slab from the onion ring monolith, my great aunt leans over to ask me a question. Ok, it wasn’t really a question so much as it was a statement. “I sure hope you and Manda didn’t fornicate in your grandmother’s house last night.”

Now, to the uninitiated, she sometimes can be a tough lady to take. In actuality, she’s a comedic genius. Her delivery is the perfect measure of earnest and deadpan. She can sell the most outlandish ideas by pretending she’s serious. Fortunately, I was ready for her, and was acting as a human shield for Manda. I was able to downplay Manda’s surprise by putting on my best poker (I hardly know her!) face and flatly declaring that no, we had not in fact fornicated in my grandmother’s house. Sure I was lying, but make an omelet blahblah break a few eggs. Heh, eggs…

I was not prepared for what came next. My great aunt proceeded to tell me a story about her grandson, Gary. Gary’s father Wyatt is her stepson, and his mother Lisa had apparently started dating again:

I asked Gary if Lisa’s boyfriend was nice, and he said yes. He said that mom likes him a lot, but sometimes she screams. I asked if they were fighting and he said no, when he goes into the pantry, he can hear her screaming in the bedroom, and that his brother Chet says that they’re hompin’.

This resulted in the utter annihilation of my poker face. Nothing more was said; she got what she needed. Honestly, her skills would be better utilized interrogating terrorists.