Hi. My name is…

They call me Joboo. Why? I have no idea. I in no way resemble (either physically, mentally, or spiritually) the fake voodoo god from the movie Major League. I don’t drink rum, I don’t smoke, & I’m married so I don’t need any hats for my bat if you know what I mean. I’m OK if you want to sacrifice a chicken to me as long as the ceremony includes some tasty side dishes. But that still doesn’t explain why I’m called Joboo. I’ve forgotten why my “friends” hung that moniker on me & I’m beyond caring. Joboo I am, & Joboo I shall ever be. And if you want to argue that it should be spelled Jobu, I’ll listen. But I accept you just the way you are without mentioning all your faults. So let’s just be happy the way we are. There. I feel so close to you now. Should we hug? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

For all of you who are confused now, and that includes me, I am your guest blogger. M has been a little preoccupied lately with his research into the aphrodesiatic properties of the secretions of certain South American insects. He told me that he’s had a breakthrough. This apparently consists of him spending most of his time licking the thorax of a certain species of rare beetle to maintain a constant state of arousal. But it’s for the good of humanity so more power to him. Due to this, he’s asked me to fill in for him & share with his readership my message of peace, hope, love, & joy. I can’t really imagine that anyone else will be interested since I achieve those things by sitting around in my underwear munching on a Philly cheese steak while destroying Will Ferrell movies, but if it works for you, I accept donations of gratitude.

Since this is my first post, let me give you a little about me so that, if I’m allowed to do this again, you’ll know where I’m coming from. A little dip into the pool of my mind if you will. Here are some tidbits in no particular order. Consider yourself warned, it’s a scary place.

- I am a loyal fan of the University of Michigan. This has resulted in me taking lots of crap over the years. Mostly from people who won’t stand behind any school.

- I honestly think the world would be much better off if we came up with a common sense test & used it to eliminate the most idiotic 99.99% of the world’s population.

- I’ve seen, & continue to see, a lot of movies. I enjoy all kinds. Comedy, suspense, foreign, musical, drama. Except any movie that has Will Ferrell in it.

- Speaking of Will, he is a giant pimple on the butt of comedy. The prime example of how we have lowered the standards of comedy in this country over the last 20 years. More Lewis Black is the antidote.

- I do a wicked Chris Farley impersonation.

- I enjoy just about every sport know unto man. Including soccer, rugby, cricket, Australian rules football, & Turkish olive oil wrestling.

- I believe every person should go visit Alaska once.

- I can prance like nobodies business.

- I believe Americans need to stop being so selfish & lazy, start thinking again, & turn our country back around. All it takes is for people to care enough to actually do something.

- Any movie is better with Bruce Campbell in it.

- I like screen-savers that make me feel hypnotized.

- I believe the word great is so overused that it’s lost any real meaning in society.

- Because people are too lazy to find things out for themselves, the media has become the most powerful force in the US.

- No really. My prancing is hilarious.

- God grant me a 1970 Plymouth Barracuda before I die.

- I once gave a viking funeral to a dried orange. That means something but I haven’t figured out what yet.

- I am sure that if I was granted 2 months of solitude to escape all the things of the world that clutter my mind, I could think of a way to become stinking, filthy rich. And then I’d take care of gettin’ the Barracuda.

- I might not get rich, but I’m confident that if someone would give M & I our own radio show, we’d be famous in no time.

- I will try any food at least once. And probably will like it. Rooster fries, sushi, chitlins, crab brain stew. Bring it on. I am a culinary adventurer.

- I don’t curse anymore. Not even in print. I slipped up once & I don’t think M will ever forget it.

- To paraphrase Gloria from White Men Can’t Jump, I feel like I’m filled with more useless information than any human being on this planet! Although I can’t give you 7 foods that start with the letter Q.

OK, that’s probably more than enough for now. I think you get the picture. Or you’ve fled from your computer in horror. Either way you’ve had a memorable experience. Good for you. Please watch your step as you exit the blog entry. Remember, items may have shifted during reading. Objects may be closer than they appear. Hopefully we’ll meet again. Mainly because I don’t think I can get fired from a job I don’t get paid for. But until then, as my mentor Red Green says, keep your stick on the ice. And M, if you’re taking a break from your research to read this, I encourage you to keep it up.

P.S. Did I mention that I can prance?