And now a word from our sponsors.

I do not have TV in my home.  Normally that statement gets a reaction along the line of ‘How do you live without TV?’ Very well thank you.  Let me explain.  We have televisions for watching our extensive DVD & video collection.  But no cable, no DirectTV, no Dish Network, & not even an antennae.  We haven’t seen the last Olympics, last World Cup, 2 St. Louis Cardinals World Series, & over 3 years worth of HGTV, Food Network, Discovery Channel, & Michigan games.  My family & I like it that way.  We get more done, we do more things as a family (like having dinner together & actually talking to each other), we’re more prone to get outside & be active, & my kids are more willing to listen & help out around the house.  It’s not that I think TV is pure evil.  Although there are a few negatives about it like anything.  No, the thing that made my wife & I decide to turn off the boob tube was the commercials.  You can NOT get away from them.  And they are worse than just about any show on television today.

Take for example, Apple Jacks.  A wholesome, nutritious breakfast cereal with enough sugar in a bowl to sweeten 20 cups of coffee.  Their commercials (from 4 years ago as far as I know) consist of kids usually aged around 12-13, sitting around in various cool outfits with trendy accessories eating Apple Jacks while an adult is doing something in the background while dressed like a thrift shop refugee looking like an overall idiot.  The adult invariably questions why they like Apple Jacks to which the kids will replay ‘We just do.’  Then it will wrap up with the tag line ‘We eat what we like.’  Spiffy. Let’s review the implied messages.

The kids – The kids are cool, they have cool things & they’re eating Apple Jacks.  So if you want to be cool & have lots of cool stuff, you need to eat Apple Jacks. End of story.
Adults – The adult is so uncool & embarrassing it’s not even funny.  All adults are this way.  Don’t listen to them.  Treat them like morons.  They’re old & deserve it.
Dialogue – ‘We just do.’ & ‘We eat what we like.’  Do whatever you want.  It doesn’t have to make sense.  You’re smarter than anyone else so up theirs.

That’s exactly the kind of things I want my kids to learn.  That & that if you drink lots of beer you’ll end up a chiseled, handsome dude that spends most of his days in exotic locations doing exciting things with your shirt off.  Usually surrounded by beautiful, surgically-enhanced women.  LIARS!!!  I tried it.  It didn’t work.  You just feel that way when you’re sloshed.  Not that I’m bitter.

But how do you get informed on new products?  How do you find out about the latest & greatest stuff available?  Obviously the internet.  And call me old fashioned, but I still like to read stuff that isn’t on a computer screen from time to time.  But magazine ads can be worse than TV ads, so my favorite form of advertising is radio.  You still have to use your imagination when you hear an ad on the radio.  Your brain has to function if you want to get that visual stimulus you need.  And as I tend to be an auditory learner, it suits me well.  The only negative to radio advertising is that usually the ads you remember the best & are thereby most effective, are the ones that annoy you to no end.  It may push one of your buttons, grate on your nerves, or just irritate you for no rational reason, but it gets stuck in your brain tighter than Dion Rayford going after his chalupa.  But since I want to further radio advertising, I’ll put in a shout for one of the most memorable radio advertisers, & one of the most annoying.  Their ads are irritating rip offs of the old Bartles & Jaymes ads that overuse plays on a certain word.  Even though I don’t drink, I will have their products stored in my brain forever.  I couldn’t get rid of the memory with a drill.  But that’s effective advertising.  I give you, Hiney Wines.  You can just imagine what kind of humor is employed to use the word Hiney as much as possible.  I love them, because I hate them.  Kind of like Howard Cosell.

So turn off the TV, turn up the radio, & turn on your brain.  It’s good for you.  It’s stimulating.  And it can even give purpose to your life.  I now have a goal due to Hiney Wine commercials.  I’m on a quest to visit the Hiney Winery, find the person responsible for those radio commercials, & put a beatin’ on him the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Holyfield/Rahman.  I didn’t say it was a good purpose, but it’s a purpose.  Be warned Seymour Hiney.  You’re goin’ down!