My Diseased Mind

Kindergarten Christmas Programs

Because today was the first day of my Christmas vacation and Manda had to work, I was charged with attending her son’s Christmas program. The conversation went like this:

A: Hey, could you go to Alien’s Christmas program on Friday? It’s during work for me.
M: Sure, that sounds like fun. What time is it?
A: 8:30 in the morning.
M: Khaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

I’m paraphrasing, but you get the gist of it.

So, on my first day of vacation, I got up earlier than I do on workdays so that I could shower and return to the campus that hosted the bulk of my early childhood shame.

While there, it occurred to me that there are 4 kinds of kids in these programs:

1. The Rank & File — These kids are the most plentiful. Much like The Dukes of Hazard, they’re making their way the only way they know how, and that involves singing as quietly as possible while aping the actions of the the teacher assigned to completely shred her dignity in front of the parents.

2. The Performer — These are the kids in the front row who are way too into the experience. They usually take dance classes, and when they grow up, would like to be both a ballerina and a veterinarian. Predominantly female.

3. The Robot — The Robots are given speaking lines, usually because they are among the loudest kids in the class. They speak said lines with a cadence best reserved for 50’s sci fi robots.

4. The Choke Artist — There are usually 1-2 choke artists per program. These kids were also given speaking lines. However, the responsibility has now overwhelmed them, and on the big day, they freeze. Despite thousands of recitations the previous few days, the lines have disappeared from their minds, and nothing but the whirring of video cameras can be heard, recording their shame. The choke artist is also referred to as my favorite.

Also noteworthy was the final skit, in which Alien, being the freakishly tall kid of his class, was the star on their Christmas tree. I noticed a strong similarity between their setup, and an iconic part of our culture:

Fuckin A…