In a fit of originality, I’ve decided to post 10 of my resolutions for the upcoming year. I should probably include something about not using lists to avoid having to really think about what I’m writing, but I just wouldn’t be human if I eliminated all of flaws. I did take the numbers out of the lists, so just think of it as a series of short paragraphs.
Spend More Time With the Kids — If for no other reason than the fact that they will someday choose my nursing home.
Eat Less Dairy, More Fiber — Yeah, fat fucking chance. Let’s move on.
Exercise More — Ditto.
Dance — Ok, that was the last complete bullshit resolution. I promise.
Spend Less Money on Frivolous Things — I’m jumping right on this one, just as soon as I can find a way to categorize porn as something other than frivolous.
Sell My Possessions and Run Away to Mexico — This should probably be more of a 5-year plan, but I’m going to give it my best shot.
Eliminate Credit Card Debt — Yeah, hilarious…
Leave the Country at Least Once — Ideally, I won’t be leaving under a cloud of suspicion, unable to return. If that’s the only way it will happen, though, I’m cool with it. I hear Roman Polanski is free–just not free to come back.
No More Resolutions — This is how you can tell that I’m an idiot. If I had any sense, this would have been the first one.
Happy New Year everyone. Try and make it home safely tonight.
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