Archive for January, 2008
Thursday, January 31st, 2008
An actual conversation I had with The Boy this week:
The Boy: I don’t think I’m going to play football at school anymore.
Me: Why not?
TB: Because this big kid named Lane always tackles me, and it’s touch football.
M: What does the teacher say?
TB: Well, she makes him stop, but he does it again the next day.
M: So you’re only being tackled once a day?
TB: Yeah.
M: When he tackles you, do you have the ball?
TB: Yeah.
M: OK, here’s what you do. The next time you have the ball, and he’s about to tackle you, throw it at him. Hard. Right at his crotch. He’ll beat you up one more time, but then he should stop tackling you.
TB: I’m just going to quit playing.
M: Good idea.
I don’t know if I gave him great advice or shitty advice. There’s probably no middle ground here.
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Posted in Book of the Dad | No Comments »
Monday, January 28th, 2008
The boy is artistic. He dabbles in a variety of media, from pen on paper, pen on cardboard, clay, various paints, and most recently, Magnetix
. It’s not unusual for him to call me into his room to see his newest masterpiece.
So when he told me that he wanted me to see what he had been working on, I wasn’t particularly surprised. I can’t say I was really expecting what he had to show me, though.
Seriously, WTF? He’s 11; is it possible this wasn’t intentional? He called it a crocodile mouth. But why would a stubby penis have a crocodile mouth?
And yeah, that’s a stormtrooper blaster right above the, uh, head. What of it?
Posted in Book of the Dad | 3 Comments »
Friday, January 18th, 2008
Y’all excuse me for a second. My soapbox beckons.
<steps up>
Band geeks are some of the best kids you will ever meet. And marching band is great.
<returns to the floor>
Yeah, I was in band. And honestly, it wasn’t cool back then. But I loved it. I was captain of the baseball team, one the top 4 kids in the class in terms of academics, well liked by almost all, & I loved band. And that’s coming from a school that didn’t have a football team. So I never got to sample the cream of band performing, marching band.
There’s a good correlation between band & football. Mighty Mite or Pee Wee football equates to those early band concerts. Nobody expects a whole lot, everyone is very encouraging, & parents commit everything to video. As you approach junior high, some people start to get serious, & individuals with real talent start to stand out. Then you hit high school & it’s either enjoy your 4 years, or consider using your talents to help you get to college. You get bigger crowds & chances to really shine. Then maybe, just maybe, you get a college interested in having you. Maybe even get a scholarship. And if you’re one of those few, you may even get your shot at a big time division I school. And here’s where the correlation ends. For there is no pro league for marching band. A fortunate few can continue to pursue music as a career whether through teaching or symphonies. But the art of marching band that entertains hundreds of thousands of fans every Friday & Saturday in the fall ends there.
And as a former band member, the parent of a high school trumpet player & future tuba player, & someone who has spent time around people associated with marching band for a years, I can say that is truly a shame. Your general marching band participant is fun-loving, creative, friendly, intelligent, dedicated, & just great. Get to know some of the young people in the Michigan Marching Band, The Spirit of Troy, Pride of the Plains, or Florida A&M’s Marching 100. Not only are these the kind of people you want to hang out with on a Saturday night, they’re the kind of people you want working for you & with you. Or in my case, have as your own children.
For example, take those chosen few who participate in the holy grail of marching bands, drum corp. My daughter’s dream is to be a member of her favorite drum corp, the Phantom Regiment. To make it, she would have to go through an audition camp that stretches over 3 days in November in Rockford, IL. If she was then selected, she would have 3 day camps once a month in Rockford until May when she would have to move to Rockford for spring training to begin. Then, beginning in June, she would travel around the whole country performing sometimes as many as 6 nights out of 7. Rehearsing even on the days they have to perform. Sometimes up to 8 hours of practice a day. Still finding time to have fun & make some of the closest friends they will ever have. And usually ending up sleeping on a gym floor. Think about the dedication needed, the work ethic, the commitment. I want to be the kind of person who would do that. Who would have that kind of character.
The time has come to cast off immature high school notions. Band is cool! It’s time to begin the band revolution. Check out the groups above. Or the Blue Devils, the Cavaliers, the Cadets. Go old school with the Madison Scouts or find a YouTube video of the Velvet Knights. Come on. We’re all grown up now. We know band people aren’t really geeks. Now excuse me while I change my pocket protector.
Posted in Fridays with Joboo | No Comments »
Wednesday, January 9th, 2008
If I were given two guesses as to where this happened, I would have gotten it on the second guess.
Two men wheeled a dead man through the streets in an office chair to a check-cashing store and tried to cash his Social Security check before being arrested on fraud charges, police said.
David J. Dalaia and James O’Hare pushed Virgilio Cintron’s body from the Manhattan apartment that O’Hare and Cintron shared to Pay-O-Matic, about a block away, spokesman Paul Browne said witnesses told police.
“The witnesses saw the two pushing the chair with Cintron flopping from side to side and the two individuals propping him up and keeping him from flopping from side to side,” Browne said.
Ok, so far, this seems reasonable enough.
The men left Cintron’s body outside the store, went inside and tried to cash his $355 check, Browne said. The store’s clerk, who knew Cintron, asked the men where he was, and O’Hare told the clerk they would go and get him, Browne said.
Still seems pretty straightfo… wait, what? $355 bucks? Uh, why not go to a different freakin’ store?
A police detective who was having lunch at a restaurant next to the check-cashing store noticed a crowd forming around Cintron’s body, and “it’s immediately apparent to him that Cintron is dead,” Browne said.
Here’s where you can tell it’s New York. The detective probably finished his lunch before he went out there.
I’ve got about 900,000 Weekend at Bernie’s jokes, as well as several about Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman being available for the TV movie. Because I can’t really settle on one, I’m going to open this one up to the floor. Who’s got the best joke?
Posted in Assclownery, News | 2 Comments »
Monday, January 7th, 2008
The day after Christmas, The Boy had this conversation with my cousin. Note that this was just over twenty four hours after my mom, in a fit of what can only be described as shitflinging lunacy, presented him with a present of six throwing stars.
Cousin: What did you get for Christmas?
The Boy: (shows off the throwing stars)
Cousin: Wow, who gave you those?
The Boy: Grandma
Cousin: She did? What else did she give you, a bazooka? Assault rifle? Grenades?
The Boy: Did she tell you?
And with those four words, my son bested my cousin, a recent engineering graduate, in a battle of wit.
Posted in Book of the Dad, The Family | No Comments »
Friday, January 4th, 2008
Poor old Johnny Ray
Sounded sad upon the radio
But he moved a million hearts in mono
Our mothers cried
Sang along
Who’d blame them
You’ve grown, so grown
Now I must say more than ever
(Come On Eileen)
Too-ra-loo-ra, too-ra-loo-rye, aye
And we can sing just like our fathers
Come on Eileen
Oh, I swear what he means (what he means)
At this moment you mean everything
You in that dress
My thoughts I confess
Verge on dirty
Oh, come on Eileen
(Come On Eileen)
These people round here
Wear beaten down eyes sunk
In smoke dried faces
They’re so resigned to what their fate is
But not us (no not ever)
But not us (not ever)
We are far too young and clever
(Remember)
Too-ra-loo-ra, too-ra-loo-rye, aye
And you’ll hum this tune forever
Come on Eileen
Oh, I swear what he means
Aah, come on let’s
Take off everything
That pretty red dress
Eileen (tell him yes)
Aah, come on let’s
Aah, come on Eileen
That pretty red dress
Eileen (tell him yes)
Aah, come on let’s
Aah, come on Eileen
Come on Eileen, too-rye-aye
Come on Eileen, too-rye-aye
Now you’re full grown
Now you have shown
Oh, Eileen
Say, come on Eileen
These things they are real and I know
How you feel
Now I must say more than ever
Things round here have changed
I say, too-ra-loo-ra, too-ra-loo-rye-aye
Come on Eileen
Oh, I swear (what he means)
At this moment, you mean everything
You in that dress, my thoughts I confess
Which are dirty
Aah, come on Eileen
Aah, come on Eileen
Oh, I swear (what he means)
At this moment, you mean everything
You in that dress, my thoughts I confess
Well, they’re dirty
Come on Eileen
Come on Eileen..
Let’s see if you can get that one out of your head now. MUWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!
Posted in FFS, Fridays with Joboo | No Comments »
