My Diseased Mind

Uh, 911? My Girlfriend’s Sprouted Roots

Yikes.

Deputies say a woman in western Kansas sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years, and they’re investigating whether she was mistreated.

Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple says a man called his office last month to report that something was wrong with his girlfriend.

It took him two years to realize that something was wrong with her?

The sheriff says the woman’s muscles had atrophied and that medical personnel had to remove her from the toilet because she was bound to it by “natural means.”

Without going into too much detail, I was able to come up with a list of 12 “natural means” by which she could have become bound to the toilet. In related news, I hate myself.

Whipple says the woman at first refused ambulance service and “didn’t want to leave.” She’s hospitalized in Wichita, but is refusing to talk with authorities.

Whipple says his office is considering a charge of mistreatment of a dependent adult.

Wait, Mr. Whipple is investigating a charge involving a woman attached to a toilet? Isn’t that a conflict of interests?