My Diseased Mind

Human Sacrifice, Dogs & Cats Living Together — Mass Hysteria!

We knew it was going to be an interesting weekend when, within five minutes of arriving in Rockport, we spotted a guy with an actual Jheri Curl. Manda shot down my theory that he was a terrorist who only had weathered VHS copies of The Last Dragon and Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo to teach him the ways of American life. Alas, our Jheri Curl count for the weekend stalled out at one, and on Sunday, we headed home.

Being childless for the weekend, we yammered endlessly. Of course, by ‘we’ I mean ‘I.’ Among other things, I pointed out the idiot drivers, wondered aloud just why the hell every cow in or around the coastal bend has a posse of at least 3 ducks, and generally continued my lifelong love affair with the sound of my own voice.

Then, on I-37, just south of Whitsett, I saw it. A 2-mile drive to the next exit, followed by a 2-mile drive back, and we were right there, basking in its glory.

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Welcome!

To the guy (I’m guessing here) from Minnesota who found this site by way of typing “photo hummer balls oral sex” into Google on Sunday, welcome! I suspect you didn’t find what you were looking for here, but I’ve heard rumors that there are pictures of hummer balls oral sex all over the internet. Good luck in your search.

Posted in Assclownery | 2 Comments »

In Honor of a Shitty Week

Yeah, things are bad, but you could be this douchebag. I feel fairly certain that Mom probably said not to run with the fucking fork.

Posted in Assclownery | 2 Comments »

I Apologize For This One

Look, you guys have been good to me; you really have. I haven’t received a single piece of hate mail, any death threats, and the only brick to have been tossed through our windows was apparently meant for The Boy. All of that makes what I’m about to do so much more difficult. I just have to; I can’t shoulder this burden alone. Try not to hold it against me.

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Posted in Assclownery, Youtube | 2 Comments »

Utter BS

This is a great story, but seriously, it was an accident?

THE call letters KUNT have landed at a yet-unbuilt low-power digital television station in Wailuku, Maui.

The same station owner also received KWTF for a station in Arizona.

Wow, that’s amazing. The same company requested two humorous and borderline obscene sets of call letters. It couldn’t have been on purpose or anything.

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The Big Fix

Saw this at a local music/book/movie store. Now I’m no veterinarian, but isn’t that the ass? I mean sure, I know there are other parts there, but if that’s the only thing under the bandages, where’s the ass?

And is it just me, or did someone forget to warn the cat before it happened? She seems a bit non-plussed.

Posted in Assclownery | 1 Comment »

There’s Clearly Something Wrong With Me

On occasion, I embarrass myself. On very rare occasions, I’m embarrassed even though nobody is looking. Case in point: last night.

I was taking a shower, and realized that I had left the towel on my bed. For some reason, I decided that waiting until the impending conclusion of the shower was too late, and that I needed the towel waiting for me in the bathroom. Taking five steps mid-shower was clearly the most attractive option. Taking those very same five steps post-shower would just not do.

So there I was, walking those completely innocuous five steps, completely naked and soaking wet, on a slippery floor. Three steps into my journey, I fell. Hard. I did a toe plant into the baseboard and knee plant on the floor. My momentum actually slid me a few inches. Fortunately, those few inches were actually in the direction I was headed. Otherwise, I’d have been really pissed.

But this isn’t the bad part. People fall, and that’s OK. What I’m having trouble living down is what I said afterward. Now most people, when faced with this particular set of circumstances, will say something like, “fuck,” or “shit.” That’s pretty normal. What I said was, “No! I don’t like this!” What the hell is that? Who says something like that? I mean, isn’t it kind of obvious?

I swear, I think I’m this close to introducing “drat” into my vocabulary.

Posted in Assclownery, FFS | 1 Comment »