My Diseased Mind » Book of the Dad

Best. Halloween. Ever.

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 22:04:33 +0000

This Halloween, we’re taking the baby out to trick-or-treat for the first time. This will most likely be a horrifying experience for her, spent clinging to my in order to avoid strangers and tugging endlessly at a witch hat she has no interest in wearing. On the bright side, we get candy for hauling her around the neighborhood. The witch costume is cute, but every time I see it on her, I can’t help but think of another Halloween.

When I was 5, my sister (then 2) and I were in our rooms inventorying our respective hauls from trick-or-treating. The rewards for vampirism and witchdom had been high that year, and the typical system something of counting, count 1, eat 3, was taxing my young pancreas. I don’t really know if it was temporary, sugar-induced deafness from the candy, or that I just didn’t care, but it suddenly occurred to me that my sister was screaming hysterically in the next room. She had been doing so for about 5 or 10 minutes.

Being somewhat curious, but mostly fed up with the noise, I went in to investigate. My mother was standing in my sister’s room wearing a ratty old pink bathrobe and panty hose over her head, giving her a pig noise. Her bottom jaw jutted out, and she spoke only in grunts and gestures. My sister was glued to the opposite wall, screaming her head off, her witch makeup running down her cheeks. In the nearly 30 years since then, I’ve never heard a person scream like that. Even though I recognized her, I was still a little skeeved out. Mom really sold it.

My sister sucked her thumb until she was 8. I never considered the connection until today.

The Week In Review

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 21:43:50 +0000

The first week of this school year is in the books. All told, I’d call it a resounding success, with a 100% survival rate for all parties.

1. I have an 8th grader. How is this even possible? Didn’t I just finish 8th grade myself?

2. Not only is The Boy an 8th grader now, but somehow he’s in football. He hasn’t ever played before, never watched the game, still needs a physical, and doesn’t understand the game’s most basic concepts. Should be awesome.

3. We have Baby’s first sinus infection! Kudos to her for joining the Fucked Up Timing Club. She’s a lot better now, but it made for an interesting week.

4. This makes me happy. It’s not related to school, but it’s a fatherhood thing. I will be this man when I get older.

5. Alien started 2nd grade this week, and his teacher labelled all of his school supplies with his name. The only problem is that she misspelled his surname on all of them. Of course, she would say that the joke’s on me because I misspelled the word ’sirname.’ In other news, we’re not looking for Alien to learn much this year.

6. The 4 year-old learned to spell his name, and played video games. A lot of video games.

7. I learned to get up early again. This is no minor accomplishment. While we’re not out of the woods yet, I think I will survive. Not sure about everyone else yet.

Kids Are For Warping, Right?

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 19:43:10 +0000

I had this conversation with The Boy a couple of days ago:

The Boy: We watched a film about sthexth today at school.
Me: What’s that?
TB: Sex.
M: Ah. Why do you say it like that?
TB: I don’t know. I just don’t like saying it.
M: Fair enough. So did you learn anything.
TB: Oh yeah; I learned a lot. But at the beginning, they asked who could tell the difference between boys and girls. Everyone raised their hands, and I was one of the people picked…
M: Oh no.
TB: Yeah, so they brought us up to the front, and showed us pictures. We were supposed to decide if the people in the pictures were girls or boys…
M: I’m going to have to write a letter, aren’t I?
TB: But the pictures were all noses.
M: Wait… noses?
TB: Yep. I just had to guess.
M: So, are you sure they were noses?
TB: Yes Dad, they were definitely noses.
M: Awesome.

In honor of the occasion, I’m going to dust off an awesome, old-school thsexth film.

Check out the nose on her!

And Michael Stipe is From REO Speedwagon, Right?

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 18:25:37 +0000

Watching TV with The Boy, someone mentions Bono, prompting him to ask me if that was the guy from Youtube. Between that and overhearing him ask a friend if the Red Hot Chili Peppers are still alive, I’m apparently ready for the nursing home.

Mmmmmm… tapioca…

Mmmmmmmm… Popcorn…

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 16:22:34 +0000

With school back in full swing, Manda and I have gotten used to having the kids around again. The three of them spent six weeks this summer with their respective other parents. Their returns, while certainly joyous, marked the end of freedom for us. Swearing is (mostly) out. Gone are the days of screwing in the living room and kids’ rooms (kitchen is probably still OK). We can’t buy ice cream anymore, because the kids will probably want some too.

The Boy: I ate popcorn I found in the trash!
Me: When did you do this?
TB: I found some popcorn in the trash at school, and I took it to Grandma’s and ate it. It was microwave popcorn.
M: Why would you do something like that?
TB: I saw a kid throw it away. It was still wrapped in the plastic.
Alien: Is that the popcorn you made today?
TB: Yeah.
A: (disgusted) I ate some of that!

So the question is, should I condemn his hobo ways, or applaud his frugality?

Crossing One Off the List

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 19:01:37 +0000

If you’d asked me a year ago what I would be doing on 9/21/08, I wouldn’t have said, “Painting my office with 2 coats of garden orchid.” But damned if that’s not what I was doing. Yep, we’re having a daughter to supplement three boys. And for those of you who know me, the smart money says she’s not going to a private school.

Yep, I’m a Good Influence

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 02:54:18 +0000

3 year-olds don’t always pronounce things correctly. Under the right circumstances, this can be hilarious. Nothing beats having him gleefully announce to a room full of gasping people that he just ‘warted.’

Case in point: the other day, I made chicken and rice for dinner. This excited him greatly, which he demonstrated by repeatedly yelling “dicken rice! dicken rice!”

In hindsight, I should have probably gone and ahead and corrected him, or maybe just pronounced it properly when I repeated it back to him. Incorporating it into a song for him? Maybe not my best decision, but it’s close.

April

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 02:53:02 +0000

With the month of April nearly behind us without a single blog post, I should probably go ahead and write something. At the expense of making excuses, I’ve been seriously busy. Since the beginning of March, we have:

1. Purchased a medical billing company, although I’m still currently working my old job as well.

2. Enjoyed my 33rd birthday. Manda totally surprised me with a cake and presents, and then I watched movies with The Boy after gorging on cake. I can’t remember having a better birthday.

3. Cringed over The Boy’s 12th birthday. Pizza. Foosball. Video games. The kid equivalent of a casino.

4. Impregnated Manda. Whoopsie. We’re hoping for a girl this time.

So, yeah, my plate’s been a little full. More soon (hopefully).

Confirmed: My Dad Watches Porn

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 03:12:34 +0000

Yeah, that’s right. Let that wash over you. Ok, bad choice of words there…

Yesterday, we went to my dad’s house for dinner. As is often the case on such trips, Alien and The Boy went to the bedroom to watch cartoons on TV. For some reason, they ran into some trouble with the TV, and my stepmom asked for my help in resolving it. So far, so good.

At first glance, the TV appeared to be on the wrong input source. After cycling through a few of them, I found what looked to be either the satellite receiver, or the DVD player, but for some reason, the screen was rolling. I was able the make out the word ‘Natural’ on what seemed to be a DVD menu screen, so if anything, they were watching The Natural, and busied myself with the remote. Meanwhile, Manda and my stepmom both started nervously asking me to turn it off, while the kids wondered what the big damn deal was. Finally, I got the point, and turned it off. Later, Manda told me that along with the word ‘Natural’ she also saw the term ‘100%’.

Short story long, I pulled a muscle vomiting last night.

Dad of the Year

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 02:38:38 +0000

An actual conversation I had with The Boy this week:

The Boy: I don’t think I’m going to play football at school anymore.

Me: Why not?

TB: Because this big kid named Lane always tackles me, and it’s touch football.

M: What does the teacher say?

TB: Well, she makes him stop, but he does it again the next day.

M: So you’re only being tackled once a day?

TB: Yeah.

M: When he tackles you, do you have the ball?

TB: Yeah.
M: OK, here’s what you do. The next time you have the ball, and he’s about to tackle you, throw it at him. Hard. Right at his crotch. He’ll beat you up one more time, but then he should stop tackling you.

TB: I’m just going to quit playing.

M: Good idea.

I don’t know if I gave him great advice or shitty advice. There’s probably no middle ground here.