I’ll admit it. I am in most every way a pretty straight laced guy. Many people might even say boring. I don’t drink. Don’t swear. I avoid porn & any movies with nudity, foul language, or excessive gore. I love, adore, & still get excited by my wife after almost 20 years of marriage. I even obey the speed limit. But there is one thing that stirs me up & makes me lose control. I want it & I won’t be happy until I get it. I makes me think of doing things that are wrong & even illegal. It’s….
a 1970 Plymouth Barracuda.
I have no rational thought when it comes to this. I will have one. And I really want to restore one on my own. Get my hands on it. Get inside it. Get it’s motor running hot. Work on it piece by piece with tender loving care. And then when it’s all ready, get inside & ride. And the best part is that my wife is all for it. What a woman.
So if anyone out there would like to find the perfect Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Ramadan/Holiday present for me, make sure that you get me one with a shaker hood & either a 383, 426, or 440 engine. Don’t worry about the color. I’ll take care of that. Thanks.
M & I have had this conversation before. So what do you think? What’s the most unintentionally dirty phrase you’ve ever heard? As for me, I always like the classics.
“Come together, right now, over me.” - The Beatles
Band geeks are some of the best kids you will ever meet. And marching band is great.
<returns to the floor>
Yeah, I was in band. And honestly, it wasn’t cool back then. But I loved it. I was captain of the baseball team, one the top 4 kids in the class in terms of academics, well liked by almost all, & I loved band. And that’s coming from a school that didn’t have a football team. So I never got to sample the cream of band performing, marching band.
There’s a good correlation between band & football. Mighty Mite or Pee Wee football equates to those early band concerts. Nobody expects a whole lot, everyone is very encouraging, & parents commit everything to video. As you approach junior high, some people start to get serious, & individuals with real talent start to stand out. Then you hit high school & it’s either enjoy your 4 years, or consider using your talents to help you get to college. You get bigger crowds & chances to really shine. Then maybe, just maybe, you get a college interested in having you. Maybe even get a scholarship. And if you’re one of those few, you may even get your shot at a big time division I school. And here’s where the correlation ends. For there is no pro league for marching band. A fortunate few can continue to pursue music as a career whether through teaching or symphonies. But the art of marching band that entertains hundreds of thousands of fans every Friday & Saturday in the fall ends there.
And as a former band member, the parent of a high school trumpet player & future tuba player, & someone who has spent time around people associated with marching band for a years, I can say that is truly a shame. Your general marching band participant is fun-loving, creative, friendly, intelligent, dedicated, & just great. Get to know some of the young people in the Michigan Marching Band, The Spirit of Troy, Pride of the Plains, or Florida A&M’s Marching 100. Not only are these the kind of people you want to hang out with on a Saturday night, they’re the kind of people you want working for you & with you. Or in my case, have as your own children.
For example, take those chosen few who participate in the holy grail of marching bands, drum corp. My daughter’s dream is to be a member of her favorite drum corp, the Phantom Regiment. To make it, she would have to go through an audition camp that stretches over 3 days in November in Rockford, IL. If she was then selected, she would have 3 day camps once a month in Rockford until May when she would have to move to Rockford for spring training to begin. Then, beginning in June, she would travel around the whole country performing sometimes as many as 6 nights out of 7. Rehearsing even on the days they have to perform. Sometimes up to 8 hours of practice a day. Still finding time to have fun & make some of the closest friends they will ever have. And usually ending up sleeping on a gym floor. Think about the dedication needed, the work ethic, the commitment. I want to be the kind of person who would do that. Who would have that kind of character.
The time has come to cast off immature high school notions. Band is cool! It’s time to begin the band revolution. Check out the groups above. Or the Blue Devils, the Cavaliers, the Cadets. Go old school with the Madison Scouts or find a YouTube video of the Velvet Knights. Come on. We’re all grown up now. We know band people aren’t really geeks. Now excuse me while I change my pocket protector.
Poor old Johnny Ray
Sounded sad upon the radio
But he moved a million hearts in mono
Our mothers cried
Sang along
Who’d blame them
You’ve grown, so grown
Now I must say more than ever
(Come On Eileen)
Too-ra-loo-ra, too-ra-loo-rye, aye
And we can sing just like our fathers
Come on Eileen
Oh, I swear what he means (what he means)
At this moment you mean everything
You in that dress
My thoughts I confess
Verge on dirty
Oh, come on Eileen
(Come On Eileen)
These people round here
Wear beaten down eyes sunk
In smoke dried faces
They’re so resigned to what their fate is
But not us (no not ever)
But not us (not ever)
We are far too young and clever
(Remember)
Too-ra-loo-ra, too-ra-loo-rye, aye
And you’ll hum this tune forever
Come on Eileen
Oh, I swear what he means
Aah, come on let’s
Take off everything
That pretty red dress
Eileen (tell him yes)
Aah, come on let’s
Aah, come on Eileen
That pretty red dress
Eileen (tell him yes)
Aah, come on let’s
Aah, come on Eileen
Come on Eileen, too-rye-aye
Come on Eileen, too-rye-aye
Now you’re full grown
Now you have shown
Oh, Eileen
Say, come on Eileen
These things they are real and I know
How you feel
Now I must say more than ever
Things round here have changed
I say, too-ra-loo-ra, too-ra-loo-rye-aye
Come on Eileen
Oh, I swear (what he means)
At this moment, you mean everything
You in that dress, my thoughts I confess
Which are dirty
Aah, come on Eileen
Aah, come on Eileen
Oh, I swear (what he means)
At this moment, you mean everything
You in that dress, my thoughts I confess
Well, they’re dirty
Come on Eileen
Come on Eileen..
Let’s see if you can get that one out of your head now. MUWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!
As we drop the curtain on another year, it’s time to go introspective. Here’s my 10 questions raised by events of 2007. Good luck to everyone in 2008.
Does it really matter who we elect president? We’re still over 10 months away from elections, there’s been more debates than anyone can remember, there’s more candidates raising more money staying in the race longer to collect more federal matching funds than before. There has been more reports & suspicions of viable candidates that aren’t mainstream being shut out by the media than ever before. And one half of the most scandal-ridden White House couple ever is still a front-runner? Never has it been more apparent that our presidency is simply for sale to the highest bidder.
Can you see that Andy Warhol was right? Reality TV is only getting bigger. In related news, my 15 minutes of fame is for sale to the highest bidder.
Do you think we care too much about sports? What sport hasn’t been hit with a cheating scandal this year. Curling? Maybe if professional athletes weren’t paid so much while schoolteachers exist around the poverty level, they wouldn’t feel so much pressure to do anything to get ahead.
Are we really that stupid? Do Americans really want to know that much about Brittney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, etc.? Really? I was born in the wrong time.
Do I look old to you? My mom once told me that the older I got, I would have more people I know die. It made sense then, but I didn’t understand what it would mean to me. Now I’m starting to understand. My first high school classmate passed away recently. A friend that I had lost touch with over the years. First, I was stunned. But upon reflection, I was amazed that we had all made it this far. Matt, here’s to you bro.
Can’t we all just get along? In a world that is supposed to progress in enlightenment & tolerance, we seem to revile people for their differences instead of appreciate them. And it’s getting worse. People keep getting killed over their sexual orientation, color of their skin, side of the street they live on, etc. People have body parts ripped off because they root for the wrong team? Come on people.
Where’s the pride gone? At the same time, there’s things that we need to take a stand for. America was built by immigrants. But immigrants that worked for the privilege of citizenship. Not those that snuck into the country & siphoned off resources from taxpayers. There’s a fine line to be trod here that we should seek to be on. But selling off large portions of the US to foreign interests & putting signs & documents in 2 languages so that people here illegally can get services is stepping way over that line.
Is the US really the biggest issue in the middle east & the Muslim world? All the civilians killed in Iraq by other Iraqis. Bhutto assassinated. We may not be helping, but we ain’t the cause.
Can we see past our own noses? We are the real ‘Me’ generation. Parents who don’t care about their kids. Politicians who don’t care about their constituants. Businesses that don’t care about their customers. The proliferation of bloggers. How many things are driven by one core behavior? Selfishness. Everyone wants more for them. More money, more power, more material goods, more fame. As Rodney Dangerfield once said ‘Always look out for #1. But be careful not to step in #2.’ We can take care of ourselves & still be good to our fellow men.
Can’t we see that we’re the disease & the cure? It’s corny, but it’s true. The answer to all my questions is people wanting to change. Nothing gets better in nobody does anything about it. And nobody will do anything if they don’t look beyond themselves & see what we’re doing to our world. I’d really like to not have this question next year.
Someday, we’ll address the fact that my posts have been forced to follow a myriad of topics that fall into the ‘tough act to follow’ category. But I don’t mind. I relish the challenge like Joey Chestnut relishes a Nathan’s Famous. And since this is the last Friday before Christmas, it’s time for me to post my ‘If it were only possible’ Christmas list. The 10 things, in no particular order, that I know won’t come to pass this next year, but I really wish they would.
A good sushi restaurant within 30 minutes of my home. Why is this not possible? I live in rural Missouri. Of every 10 people I mention sushi to, 9 will make a joke involving fish bait.
Congress & the President work for the actual good of the people instead of their own parties & interests. Most unlikely thing on the list.
Barry Bonds has a body part actually explode. Most likely thing on the list.
Tom Cruise gets caught in bed with Neil Patrick Harris. Oh we all know it’s going on. But they hide inside the Scientology complex to leave no shot for the paparazzi.
Will Ferrell apologizes for not being funny. And millions of people realize they’ve been had.
Celebrity reality show death match. My money would be on Gene Simmons to take down Danny Bonaduce in the finals.
As I was taking my stroll along the digital yellow brick road that is the internet the other day, I stumbled upon a story that caught my attention. That was the purpose of my mental stroll so I wasn’t shocked, but I still feel compelled to share. It was Time Magazines top 10 oddball stories of the year. Nestled among the jewel-encrusted skull, naked sleepwalkers, & the woman with a pencil in her head for 55 years was #9. It was mainly about a Kansas City man being arrested for possessing Sonoran Desert toads which are used to produce a certain hallucinogenic drug. But at the end of the paragraph, it makes a brief mention of a drug called jenkem. Which is basically the fumes from fermenting human sewage. Hence it’s alternate name of butt hash. You can read more about it here. Wow! There’s so much to be said. But to keep this post from turning into a Michener novel, let me focus on one thing. The legalization of drugs.
I’ve always been a proponent of legalizing drugs in America. I’ve never used any recreational drugs stronger than alcohol many years ago, & I won’t. For me, they’re morally wrong & cause physiological damage. Some of which is horrific. But I feel equally strong about forcing your opinion & beliefs on others. And considering the present drug situation in the US which results in ruined lives, violence, & an unwinnable drug war that siphons millions of dollars away from causes which can be helped, I believe that the legalization & control of recreational drugs would have great positive effects & be a help to the country. So what does that have to do with jenkem? It just furthers my belief in legalization. Because it adds to the benefits I’ve previously thought of (safer production, cleaner & cheaper drugs, tax income, decreased violence, etc.) positive rural economic impact. ‘How?’ you might ask. By taking advantage of natural resources found in many rural areas. For you metropolitan dwellers reading this, I’m referring to lagoons, catch pools, sewer ponds. You could even turn your septic system into an income producer. Struggling farmers could supplement their income by putting the natural outcome of good food to profitable use. The costs to begin production seem to be relatively low, so the up front investment would be minimal for such a high return. And just like bottled water, you could have artesian butt hash. With descriptions like ‘Its smooth taste comes from the dry air of the New Mexico desert.’, ‘Fresh from the Ozark hills.’, or ’As pure as the Idaho mountains.’ Of course we’d have to guard against Japanese interests buying up land to produce their own high quality jenkem, but since the supply is linked to the raw materials, we should be able to avoid that.
As you can see, it’s all pluses hear & no minuses. So what are you waiting for? It’s good for America. Let’s reclaim the lost glory & return to greatness. Join me people. Join me in promoting ‘Butt Hash, For America!’
I do not have TV in my home. Normally that statement gets a reaction along the line of ‘How do you live without TV?’ Very well thank you. Let me explain. We have televisions for watching our extensive DVD & video collection. But no cable, no DirectTV, no Dish Network, & not even an antennae. We haven’t seen the last Olympics, last World Cup, 2 St. Louis Cardinals World Series, & over 3 years worth of HGTV, Food Network, Discovery Channel, & Michigan games. My family & I like it that way. We get more done, we do more things as a family (like having dinner together & actually talking to each other), we’re more prone to get outside & be active, & my kids are more willing to listen & help out around the house. It’s not that I think TV is pure evil. Although there are a few negatives about it like anything. No, the thing that made my wife & I decide to turn off the boob tube was the commercials. You can NOT get away from them. And they are worse than just about any show on television today.
Take for example, Apple Jacks. A wholesome, nutritious breakfast cereal with enough sugar in a bowl to sweeten 20 cups of coffee. Their commercials (from 4 years ago as far as I know) consist of kids usually aged around 12-13, sitting around in various cool outfits with trendy accessories eating Apple Jacks while an adult is doing something in the background while dressed like a thrift shop refugee looking like an overall idiot. The adult invariably questions why they like Apple Jacks to which the kids will replay ‘We just do.’ Then it will wrap up with the tag line ‘We eat what we like.’ Spiffy. Let’s review the implied messages.
The kids - The kids are cool, they have cool things & they’re eating Apple Jacks. So if you want to be cool & have lots of cool stuff, you need to eat Apple Jacks. End of story. Adults - The adult is so uncool & embarrassing it’s not even funny. All adults are this way. Don’t listen to them. Treat them like morons. They’re old & deserve it. Dialogue - ‘We just do.’ & ‘We eat what we like.’ Do whatever you want. It doesn’t have to make sense. You’re smarter than anyone else so up theirs.
That’s exactly the kind of things I want my kids to learn. That & that if you drink lots of beer you’ll end up a chiseled, handsome dude that spends most of his days in exotic locations doing exciting things with your shirt off. Usually surrounded by beautiful, surgically-enhanced women. LIARS!!! I tried it. It didn’t work. You just feel that way when you’re sloshed. Not that I’m bitter.
But how do you get informed on new products? How do you find out about the latest & greatest stuff available? Obviously the internet. And call me old fashioned, but I still like to read stuff that isn’t on a computer screen from time to time. But magazine ads can be worse than TV ads, so my favorite form of advertising is radio. You still have to use your imagination when you hear an ad on the radio. Your brain has to function if you want to get that visual stimulus you need. And as I tend to be an auditory learner, it suits me well. The only negative to radio advertising is that usually the ads you remember the best & are thereby most effective, are the ones that annoy you to no end. It may push one of your buttons, grate on your nerves, or just irritate you for no rational reason, but it gets stuck in your brain tighter than Dion Rayford going after his chalupa. But since I want to further radio advertising, I’ll put in a shout for one of the most memorable radio advertisers, & one of the most annoying. Their ads are irritating rip offs of the old Bartles & Jaymes ads that overuse plays on a certain word. Even though I don’t drink, I will have their products stored in my brain forever. I couldn’t get rid of the memory with a drill. But that’s effective advertising. I give you, Hiney Wines. You can just imagine what kind of humor is employed to use the word Hiney as much as possible. I love them, because I hate them. Kind of like Howard Cosell.
So turn off the TV, turn up the radio, & turn on your brain. It’s good for you. It’s stimulating. And it can even give purpose to your life. I now have a goal due to Hiney Wine commercials. I’m on a quest to visit the Hiney Winery, find the person responsible for those radio commercials, & put a beatin’ on him the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Holyfield/Rahman. I didn’t say it was a good purpose, but it’s a purpose. Be warned Seymour Hiney. You’re goin’ down!
Thanks to the resounding success of my first post(thanks Russ), M has asked me to give you all a regular dose of my own private dementia. And so in the tradition of, yet not quite exactly unlike, Tuesdays with Morrie,I give you Fridays With Joboo. Except that instead of a wise old man, stricken with a terminal disease, sharing the life wisdom that he has gained with a dear former student & friend; you get a potential genius bordering on lunacy, stricken with mental diarrhea, sharing whatever seems to form in his attention span challenged mind with you, the viewing public. But it’s free, and when I release the book of my writings, it becomes a best seller, & the movie wins universal critical praise, you’ll be able to say ‘They made a movie about that??? That guy’s nuts.’. Imagine the fulfillment you’ll recieve. Now on with the show.
For at least one more day, the Missouri Tigers are the #1 football team in the land. As a lifelong resident of Missouri, I’m excited. I’m proud to be a Missourian & as the ’state’ university they represent my home. So I want them to do well. But, I would never ever refer to myself as a Mizzou fan. My allegiance lies firmly with the University of Michigan. I know, I know. Just like Shaft, I’m a complicated man.
The problem lies with those that do call themselves Mizzou fans. I can’t stand the vast majority of them when it comes to their so called ‘love’ for the Tigers. It is rooted in smugness. Smugness over the superiority of their athletic teams who have accomplished exactly nothing of any real note. A 1954 national title in baseball, a 1965 title in indoor track, & a smattering of individual champions. That’s it. If they were smug about their academics, they would deserve a punch in the mouth, but they would be justified. U of Missouri is a truly fine academic school & has what many consider to be the best journalism school in the country. That’s something to be proud of. But uppity because of their athletics? No. That’s like Frank Sinatra Jr. thinking he’s a major ladies man because Ole Blue Eyes used to be married to Ava Gardner. But this is not a problem unique to Mizzou. Not by a long shot. So let’s point fingers here & identify some certain types of college fans, both good & bad, while I give examples of each. Every school has some of each, but certain types are more prolific at certain schools.
True blue - Their pride stems from their school & no amount of athletic victory or humiliation will make them desert it. They enjoy the highs & gladly take the sarcasm that comes with the lows. After this football season, I can say for sure I fit in this catagory for Michigan. Unfortunately, that’s not the majority of us. Ex: Baylor, Stanford, every Ivy League school.
Dressed for success - They like to be with a proven winner. Won’t run at the first sign of trouble, but can be deterred over time. Can often morph into a true blue, but can go the opposite way too. Ex: Michigan, Penn State, UCLA, Arizona basketball, North Carolina basketball.
Local pride - By golly their school choice is all about where they’re from. And because it’s their home school, it’s better than yours. And if you don’t like it, they don’t care. They’re gonna kick your butt anyway. While there is a lot of good to be said about being loyal to your home school, these folks can be obnoxious. Ex: Oklahoma, Nebraska, Texas, every SEC school.
Religious fervor - A special type of fan attracted to a school because of their denomination. Cheering for their team is nothing less than a mission from God, Allah, David Hasselhoff, etc. Ex: Notre Dame, BYU, & the school formerly known as SMU.
Silent minority - A rare breed who doesn’t show any outward signs of fandom. But if their team is brought up in conversation around them, they will leave you speechless with the depth of their knowledge. Which can result in total boredom, stunned silence, or annoyance on a level unseen before. Ex: That one guy at the party that one time who wouldn’t shut up after we brought up Illinois. I hope they never find the body.
Underdog lovers - America has a passion for the underdog. Especially ones that are playing for big stakes. And college fans are no different. This is a very transient group because the underdog doesn’t stay an underdog for long. They either lose & display for all to see exactly why they’re the underdog, or win & become a real force. Here today, gone tomorrow, but a fun group. Recent ex: Boise St., Gonzaga basketball, Kansas, Missouri.
Bandwagonners - Scum of the earth. OK, not that bad. But they’re indicitive of some of the worst traits present in humanity. Lack of loyalty, selfishness, short-sightedness, no dedication to anything, never looking beyond the external. They latch on when the good times start to roll, & when things go bad they jump off faster than Rosie O’Donnell can down a Christmas ham. Ex: Miami football, Ohio St., USC, Syracuse.
There you go. Not a comprehesive list at all. And aimed only at the college fans out there. Nothing wrong with any of the types except bandwagon. It doesn’t matter if you’re loud, quiet, obnoxious, informed, or just like the colors of your school. But if you’re going to be a fan, be loyal. Stick with your team through thick & thin. The good & the bad. When you think they can do no wrong, & when you think they’re a bunch of morons. That’s life. A never ending roller coaster ride that can thrill, nauseate, exhilerate, & sometime even turn you upside down. But that’s what makes it fun. Holding onto your team while they do that same thing, can help you handle what life throws at you.
So good luck Mizzou. Win or lose, I hope you get some more true blue fans out of this. You deserve it.
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I give you Fridays With Joboo. Except that instead of a wise old man, stricken with a terminal disease, sharing the life wisdom that he has gained with a dear former student & friend; you get a potential genius bordering on lunacy, stricken with mental diarrhea, sharing whatever seems to form in his attention span challenged mind with you, the viewing public. But it’s free, and when I release the book of my writings, it becomes a best seller, & the movie wins universal critical praise, you’ll be able to say ‘They made a movie about that??? That guy’s nuts.’. Imagine the fulfillment you’ll recieve. Now on with the show.
