I’ve always been a proponent of legalizing drugs in America.  I’ve never used any recreational drugs stronger than alcohol many years ago, & I won’t.  For me, they’re morally wrong & cause physiological damage.  Some of which is horrific.  But I feel equally strong about forcing your opinion & beliefs on others.  And considering the present drug situation in the US which results in ruined lives, violence, & an unwinnable drug war that siphons millions of dollars away from causes which can be helped, I believe that the legalization & control of recreational drugs would have great positive effects & be a help to the country.  So what does that have to do with jenkem?  It just furthers my belief in legalization.  Because it adds to the benefits I’ve previously thought of (safer production, cleaner & cheaper drugs, tax income, decreased violence, etc.) positive rural economic impact.  ‘How?’ you might ask.  By taking advantage of natural resources found in many rural areas.  For you metropolitan dwellers reading this, I’m referring to lagoons, catch pools, sewer ponds.  You could even turn your septic system into an income producer.  Struggling farmers could supplement their income by putting the natural outcome of good food to profitable use.  The costs to begin production seem to be relatively low, so the up front investment would be minimal for such a high return.  And just like bottled water, you could have artesian butt hash.  With descriptions like ‘Its smooth taste comes from the dry air of the New Mexico desert.’, ‘Fresh from the Ozark hills.’, or ’As pure as the Idaho mountains.’  Of course we’d have to guard against Japanese interests buying up land to produce their own high quality jenkem, but since the supply is linked to the raw materials, we should be able to avoid that.   

As you can see, it’s all pluses hear & no minuses.  So what are you waiting for?  It’s good for America.  Let’s reclaim the lost glory & return to greatness.  Join me people.  Join me in promoting ‘Butt Hash, For America!’

Take for example, Apple Jacks.  A wholesome, nutritious breakfast cereal with enough sugar in a bowl to sweeten 20 cups of coffee.  Their commercials (from 4 years ago as far as I know) consist of kids usually aged around 12-13, sitting around in various cool outfits with trendy accessories eating Apple Jacks while an adult is doing something in the background while dressed like a thrift shop refugee looking like an overall idiot.  The adult invariably questions why they like Apple Jacks to which the kids will replay ‘We just do.’  Then it will wrap up with the tag line ‘We eat what we like.’  Spiffy. Let’s review the implied messages.

The kids – The kids are cool, they have cool things & they’re eating Apple Jacks.  So if you want to be cool & have lots of cool stuff, you need to eat Apple Jacks. End of story.
Adults – The adult is so uncool & embarrassing it’s not even funny.  All adults are this way.  Don’t listen to them.  Treat them like morons.  They’re old & deserve it.
Dialogue – ‘We just do.’ & ‘We eat what we like.’  Do whatever you want.  It doesn’t have to make sense.  You’re smarter than anyone else so up theirs.

That’s exactly the kind of things I want my kids to learn.  That & that if you drink lots of beer you’ll end up a chiseled, handsome dude that spends most of his days in exotic locations doing exciting things with your shirt off.  Usually surrounded by beautiful, surgically-enhanced women.  LIARS!!!  I tried it.  It didn’t work.  You just feel that way when you’re sloshed.  Not that I’m bitter.

But how do you get informed on new products?  How do you find out about the latest & greatest stuff available?  Obviously the internet.  And call me old fashioned, but I still like to read stuff that isn’t on a computer screen from time to time.  But magazine ads can be worse than TV ads, so my favorite form of advertising is radio.  You still have to use your imagination when you hear an ad on the radio.  Your brain has to function if you want to get that visual stimulus you need.  And as I tend to be an auditory learner, it suits me well.  The only negative to radio advertising is that usually the ads you remember the best & are thereby most effective, are the ones that annoy you to no end.  It may push one of your buttons, grate on your nerves, or just irritate you for no rational reason, but it gets stuck in your brain tighter than Dion Rayford going after his chalupa.  But since I want to further radio advertising, I’ll put in a shout for one of the most memorable radio advertisers, & one of the most annoying.  Their ads are irritating rip offs of the old Bartles & Jaymes ads that overuse plays on a certain word.  Even though I don’t drink, I will have their products stored in my brain forever.  I couldn’t get rid of the memory with a drill.  But that’s effective advertising.  I give you, Hiney Wines.  You can just imagine what kind of humor is employed to use the word Hiney as much as possible.  I love them, because I hate them.  Kind of like Howard Cosell.

So turn off the TV, turn up the radio, & turn on your brain.  It’s good for you.  It’s stimulating.  And it can even give purpose to your life.  I now have a goal due to Hiney Wine commercials.  I’m on a quest to visit the Hiney Winery, find the person responsible for those radio commercials, & put a beatin’ on him the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Holyfield/Rahman.  I didn’t say it was a good purpose, but it’s a purpose.  Be warned Seymour Hiney.  You’re goin’ down!

For at least one more day, the Missouri Tigers are the #1 football team in the land. As a lifelong resident of Missouri, I’m excited. I’m proud to be a Missourian & as the ’state’ university they represent my home. So I want them to do well. But, I would never ever refer to myself as a Mizzou fan. My allegiance lies firmly with the University of Michigan. I know, I know. Just like Shaft, I’m a complicated man.

The problem lies with those that do call themselves Mizzou fans. I can’t stand the vast majority of them when it comes to their so called ‘love’ for the Tigers. It is rooted in smugness. Smugness over the superiority of their athletic teams who have accomplished exactly nothing of any real note. A 1954 national title in baseball, a 1965 title in indoor track, & a smattering of individual champions. That’s it. If they were smug about their academics, they would deserve a punch in the mouth, but they would be justified. U of Missouri is a truly fine academic school & has what many consider to be the best journalism school in the country. That’s something to be proud of. But uppity because of their athletics? No. That’s like Frank Sinatra Jr. thinking he’s a major ladies man because Ole Blue Eyes used to be married to Ava Gardner. But this is not a problem unique to Mizzou. Not by a long shot. So let’s point fingers here & identify some certain types of college fans, both good & bad, while I give examples of each. Every school has some of each, but certain types are more prolific at certain schools.

True blue – Their pride stems from their school & no amount of athletic victory or humiliation will make them desert it. They enjoy the highs & gladly take the sarcasm that comes with the lows. After this football season, I can say for sure I fit in this catagory for Michigan. Unfortunately, that’s not the majority of us. Ex: Baylor, Stanford, every Ivy League school.

Dressed for success - They like to be with a proven winner. Won’t run at the first sign of trouble, but can be deterred over time. Can often morph into a true blue, but can go the opposite way too. Ex: Michigan, Penn State, UCLA, Arizona basketball, North Carolina basketball.

Local pride - By golly their school choice is all about where they’re from. And because it’s their home school, it’s better than yours. And if you don’t like it, they don’t care. They’re gonna kick your butt anyway. While there is a lot of good to be said about being loyal to your home school, these folks can be obnoxious. Ex: Oklahoma, Nebraska, Texas, every SEC school.

Religious fervor – A special type of fan attracted to a school because of their denomination. Cheering for their team is nothing less than a mission from God, Allah, David Hasselhoff, etc. Ex: Notre Dame, BYU, & the school formerly known as SMU.

Silent minority - A rare breed who doesn’t show any outward signs of fandom. But if their team is brought up in conversation around them, they will leave you speechless with the depth of their knowledge. Which can result in total boredom, stunned silence, or annoyance on a level unseen before. Ex: That one guy at the party that one time who wouldn’t shut up after we brought up Illinois. I hope they never find the body.

Underdog lovers – America has a passion for the underdog. Especially ones that are playing for big stakes. And college fans are no different. This is a very transient group because the underdog doesn’t stay an underdog for long. They either lose & display for all to see exactly why they’re the underdog, or win & become a real force. Here today, gone tomorrow, but a fun group. Recent ex: Boise St., Gonzaga basketball, Kansas, Missouri.

Bandwagonners – Scum of the earth. OK, not that bad. But they’re indicitive of some of the worst traits present in humanity. Lack of loyalty, selfishness, short-sightedness, no dedication to anything, never looking beyond the external. They latch on when the good times start to roll, & when things go bad they jump off faster than Rosie O’Donnell can down a Christmas ham. Ex: Miami football, Ohio St., USC, Syracuse.

There you go. Not a comprehesive list at all. And aimed only at the college fans out there. Nothing wrong with any of the types except bandwagon. It doesn’t matter if you’re loud, quiet, obnoxious, informed, or just like the colors of your school. But if you’re going to be a fan, be loyal. Stick with your team through thick & thin. The good & the bad. When you think they can do no wrong, & when you think they’re a bunch of morons. That’s life. A never ending roller coaster ride that can thrill, nauseate, exhilerate, & sometime even turn you upside down. But that’s what makes it fun. Holding onto your team while they do that same thing, can help you handle what life throws at you.

So good luck Mizzou. Win or lose, I hope you get some more true blue fans out of this. You deserve it.

For all of you who are confused now, and that includes me, I am your guest blogger. M has been a little preoccupied lately with his research into the aphrodesiatic properties of the secretions of certain South American insects. He told me that he’s had a breakthrough. This apparently consists of him spending most of his time licking the thorax of a certain species of rare beetle to maintain a constant state of arousal. But it’s for the good of humanity so more power to him. Due to this, he’s asked me to fill in for him & share with his readership my message of peace, hope, love, & joy. I can’t really imagine that anyone else will be interested since I achieve those things by sitting around in my underwear munching on a Philly cheese steak while destroying Will Ferrell movies, but if it works for you, I accept donations of gratitude.

Since this is my first post, let me give you a little about me so that, if I’m allowed to do this again, you’ll know where I’m coming from. A little dip into the pool of my mind if you will. Here are some tidbits in no particular order. Consider yourself warned, it’s a scary place.

- I am a loyal fan of the University of Michigan. This has resulted in me taking lots of crap over the years. Mostly from people who won’t stand behind any school.

- I honestly think the world would be much better off if we came up with a common sense test & used it to eliminate the most idiotic 99.99% of the world’s population.

- I’ve seen, & continue to see, a lot of movies. I enjoy all kinds. Comedy, suspense, foreign, musical, drama. Except any movie that has Will Ferrell in it.

- Speaking of Will, he is a giant pimple on the butt of comedy. The prime example of how we have lowered the standards of comedy in this country over the last 20 years. More Lewis Black is the antidote.

- I do a wicked Chris Farley impersonation.

- I enjoy just about every sport know unto man. Including soccer, rugby, cricket, Australian rules football, & Turkish olive oil wrestling.

- I believe every person should go visit Alaska once.

- I can prance like nobodies business.

- I believe Americans need to stop being so selfish & lazy, start thinking again, & turn our country back around. All it takes is for people to care enough to actually do something.

- Any movie is better with Bruce Campbell in it.

- I like screen-savers that make me feel hypnotized.

- I believe the word great is so overused that it’s lost any real meaning in society.

- Because people are too lazy to find things out for themselves, the media has become the most powerful force in the US.

- No really. My prancing is hilarious.

- God grant me a 1970 Plymouth Barracuda before I die.

- I once gave a viking funeral to a dried orange. That means something but I haven’t figured out what yet.

- I am sure that if I was granted 2 months of solitude to escape all the things of the world that clutter my mind, I could think of a way to become stinking, filthy rich. And then I’d take care of gettin’ the Barracuda.

- I might not get rich, but I’m confident that if someone would give M & I our own radio show, we’d be famous in no time.

- I will try any food at least once. And probably will like it. Rooster fries, sushi, chitlins, crab brain stew. Bring it on. I am a culinary adventurer.

- I don’t curse anymore. Not even in print. I slipped up once & I don’t think M will ever forget it.

- To paraphrase Gloria from White Men Can’t Jump, I feel like I’m filled with more useless information than any human being on this planet! Although I can’t give you 7 foods that start with the letter Q.

OK, that’s probably more than enough for now. I think you get the picture. Or you’ve fled from your computer in horror. Either way you’ve had a memorable experience. Good for you. Please watch your step as you exit the blog entry. Remember, items may have shifted during reading. Objects may be closer than they appear. Hopefully we’ll meet again. Mainly because I don’t think I can get fired from a job I don’t get paid for. But until then, as my mentor Red Green says, keep your stick on the ice. And M, if you’re taking a break from your research to read this, I encourage you to keep it up.

P.S. Did I mention that I can prance?