My Diseased Mind

Judge Orders Monkey Returned to Bipolar Owner in Fort Worth

First off, this is a great headline.

Second off, I don’t know which is the insult, or which is the injury. On the one hand, the monkey is being sent back to the roller coaster ride of living with, and relying on, a bipolar person. Every day will be punctuated by the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, bouts of uphoria offset by agonizing despair.

On the other hand, it’s Fort Worth. Ouch.

And no, I didn’t read the story; the headline and picture combo were enough for me.

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Mom?

Man, this brings back memories:

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If Eminem & Justin Timberlake Had A Child

Stuff like this amazes me. Little Kyle has been busy throughout his formative years, accounting for a Jordanesque 40% of crime in Clitheroe, Lancashire. Before I talk about that, how cool is the name Clitheroe? I think I’d pay 3 grand to have a couple name their daughter that. Now back to Kyle:

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Eep!

Little known fact about me: I can read people. For example, I think it’s safe to say that this guy is up to no good. It’s like a 6th sense. Call it a gift.

Without getting into the horrific act he committed to get to this point, let’s talk about the aftermath.

Inside the Arby’s, Allgier held the gun in the air and ordered customers and employees to the floor, Salt Lake City police Detective Mark Knighton wrote in court documents.

I don’t know about everyone else, but if I looked like him, had just escaped from prison, and had every law enforcement agent in the state after me, I’d have 2 thoughts going through my head:

1. It’s Utah! I’m totally blending in here.
2. I could sure go for a roast beef and cheddar.

I know hindsight is 20/20 and all, but damn, maybe it’s a good idea to hold off on the prison tats until you’re absolutely sure that you’re not going to make a break for it.

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