This is why we needed to bail out the auto companies. In our time of national crisis, we need strong reminders of American innovation. This guy gets it.

A man accused of using the Cash for Clunkers program to ditch his BMW after a fatal hit-and-run crash is due in a Phoenix court on [...]]]>

This is why we needed to bail out the auto companies. In our time of national crisis, we need strong reminders of American innovation. This guy gets it.

A man accused of using the Cash for Clunkers program to ditch his BMW after a fatal hit-and-run crash is due in a Phoenix court on Thursday.

If this isn’t taking a shitpile of lemons and turning them into $4500 worth of lemonade, I don’t know what is. Honestly, I probably would have spent a day trying to bury the car, but this guy knows real opportunity when he sees it.

Phoenix police say Kissida was driving his light blue BWM 325i shortly after midnight on Aug. 8 when he hit bicyclist Charles Waldrop. The 52-year-old was riding home from work and his bike had lights and reflectors.

Two things amaze me about this part. First, this guy was driving a BMW. How does that happen? Second, this BMW qualified as a clunker? Did it have a hole in the gas tank? Did it have an actual anchor?

Later the same day, Kissida allegedly told a dealer that his car was damaged when he hit a javelina, a pig-like desert mammal. He was arrested after a tip to police.

“Oh, sorry… did I say javelina? I meant Huffy. You guys wanna smoke a bowl?”

All right, one last thing… Who the hell centered that mugshot? Did the ears throw them off?

Second off, I don’t know which is the insult, or which is the injury. On the one hand, the monkey is being sent back to the roller coaster ride of living with, and relying on, a bipolar person. Every day will be punctuated by the highest of [...]]]> First off, this is a great headline.

Second off, I don’t know which is the insult, or which is the injury. On the one hand, the monkey is being sent back to the roller coaster ride of living with, and relying on, a bipolar person. Every day will be punctuated by the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, bouts of uphoria offset by agonizing despair.

On the other hand, it’s Fort Worth. Ouch.

And no, I didn’t read the story; the headline and picture combo were enough for me.

AUGUST 30–Meet Holly Schnobrich. The Indiana woman’s mind was clear enough to know she was in no state to get behind the wheel of her car Saturday. But her judgment was so clouded–likely by the painkillers and sleeping pills she had been ingesting–that she tabbed her five-year-old son to act as [...]]]> Man, this brings back memories:

AUGUST 30–Meet Holly Schnobrich. The Indiana woman’s mind was clear enough to know she was in no state to get behind the wheel of her car Saturday. But her judgment was so clouded–likely by the painkillers and sleeping pills she had been ingesting–that she tabbed her five-year-old son to act as her designated driver.

Hey, she used a designated driver, so get off her back already. In all of the designated driver PSAs I’ve seen, they’ve never once mentioned that they driver should be of legal driving age, or for that matter, human. Pretty sloppy, PSA producers. This is America, after all.

According to the below probable cause affidavit filed in Tippecanoe County Circuit Court, a neighbor watched as a 2002 Mitsubishi sped around the corner and “screeched to a stop in front of her home.” At the wheel was the young boy and his passengers: his 24-year-old mother, who was in the front passenger seat, and his three-year-old brother.

“…screeched to a stop…” Typical fuckin’ kids.

When her neighbor asked if the child had been driving, Schnobrich replied, “He’s a good driver.”

“My son knows his ABCs.” “Oh yeah? My son can drive my drunk ass home.” How do you top that? “My son restarted my heart with a shot of adrenaline.”

Schnobrich, who told cops she used Percocet and took 86 sleeping pills in the prior two days, was charged with two counts of felony child endangerment and misdemeanor public intoxication. Days before her most recent arrest, Schnobrich pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor operating while intoxicated charge.

86 sleeping pills. Wow, is there even a joke in there? Let’s see. “86 sleeping pills, for when 85 sleeping pills is woefully inadequate!” Nope, no joke there. Clearly, this chick would rather be a good liver than have one. Sure, I’ve used that joke a lot, but it still makes me laugh, so screw you guys.

Without getting into the horrific act he committed to get to this point, [...]]]> img { float:left; margin:10px 10px 0px 0px; }

Little known fact about me: I can read people. For example, I think it’s safe to say that this guy is up to no good. It’s like a 6th sense. Call it a gift.

Without getting into the horrific act he committed to get to this point, let’s talk about the aftermath.

Inside the Arby’s, Allgier held the gun in the air and ordered customers and employees to the floor, Salt Lake City police Detective Mark Knighton wrote in court documents.

I don’t know about everyone else, but if I looked like him, had just escaped from prison, and had every law enforcement agent in the state after me, I’d have 2 thoughts going through my head:

1. It’s Utah! I’m totally blending in here.
2. I could sure go for a roast beef and cheddar.

I know hindsight is 20/20 and all, but damn, maybe it’s a good idea to hold off on the prison tats until you’re absolutely sure that you’re not going to make a break for it.