My Diseased Mind

Uh, 911? My Girlfriend’s Sprouted Roots

Yikes.

Deputies say a woman in western Kansas sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years, and they’re investigating whether she was mistreated.

Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple says a man called his office last month to report that something was wrong with his girlfriend.

It took him two years to realize that something was wrong with her?

The sheriff says the woman’s muscles had atrophied and that medical personnel had to remove her from the toilet because she was bound to it by “natural means.”

Without going into too much detail, I was able to come up with a list of 12 “natural means” by which she could have become bound to the toilet. In related news, I hate myself.

Whipple says the woman at first refused ambulance service and “didn’t want to leave.” She’s hospitalized in Wichita, but is refusing to talk with authorities.

Whipple says his office is considering a charge of mistreatment of a dependent adult.

Wait, Mr. Whipple is investigating a charge involving a woman attached to a toilet? Isn’t that a conflict of interests?

Posted in News | 2 Comments »

Weekend at Virgilio’s

If I were given two guesses as to where this happened, I would have gotten it on the second guess.

Two men wheeled a dead man through the streets in an office chair to a check-cashing store and tried to cash his Social Security check before being arrested on fraud charges, police said.

David J. Dalaia and James O’Hare pushed Virgilio Cintron’s body from the Manhattan apartment that O’Hare and Cintron shared to Pay-O-Matic, about a block away, spokesman Paul Browne said witnesses told police.

“The witnesses saw the two pushing the chair with Cintron flopping from side to side and the two individuals propping him up and keeping him from flopping from side to side,” Browne said.

Ok, so far, this seems reasonable enough.

The men left Cintron’s body outside the store, went inside and tried to cash his $355 check, Browne said. The store’s clerk, who knew Cintron, asked the men where he was, and O’Hare told the clerk they would go and get him, Browne said.

Still seems pretty straightfo… wait, what? $355 bucks? Uh, why not go to a different freakin’ store?

A police detective who was having lunch at a restaurant next to the check-cashing store noticed a crowd forming around Cintron’s body, and “it’s immediately apparent to him that Cintron is dead,” Browne said.

Here’s where you can tell it’s New York. The detective probably finished his lunch before he went out there.

I’ve got about 900,000 Weekend at Bernie’s jokes, as well as several about Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman being available for the TV movie. Because I can’t really settle on one, I’m going to open this one up to the floor. Who’s got the best joke?

Posted in Assclownery, News | 2 Comments »

Judge Orders Monkey Returned to Bipolar Owner in Fort Worth

First off, this is a great headline.

Second off, I don’t know which is the insult, or which is the injury. On the one hand, the monkey is being sent back to the roller coaster ride of living with, and relying on, a bipolar person. Every day will be punctuated by the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, bouts of uphoria offset by agonizing despair.

On the other hand, it’s Fort Worth. Ouch.

And no, I didn’t read the story; the headline and picture combo were enough for me.

Posted in Mugshot, News, Texas | No Comments »

Texas Means ‘Friendship’

Can’t say this surprises me. We are nothing here if not overly polite.

FORTH WORTH, TX — A Family Dollar clerk in Forth Worth, Texas was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon after police said he used a crowbar to club a deaf customer. Cody Goodnight, 30, has been deaf since before the age of 2 and uses sign language to communicate.

I had no idea that they carried crowbars at Family Dollar. I now know where to go for all of my crowbar needs.

When Goodnight tried to pay for two bottles of Sprite with a $5 bill he was assaulted by the store clerk. Investigators said the clerk, 20-year-old Ricky Young told them he thought Goodnight was being rude by not talking to him and hit him in the head with a crowbar.

First, nice job by the reporter to flesh out all the details. I spent 20 minutes re-reading the above paragraph to try and determine exactly why it’s important for us to know that he used a $5 bill. Turns out it’s not. Also, how much do you think The Coca Cola Company paid for the product placement in the deaf guy/crowbar story. I’m guessing low 5 figures. And yeah, the fact that the guy’s name is Goodnight is hilarious. It’s just too easy; I’m not going to make that joke.

However, I will point out that hey, at least Goodnight wasn’t knocked deaf. So hey, glass half full…

Goodnight said he is still scared to return to the store or any other place alone. The clerk faces years in prison if convicted, authorities said.

He’ll eventually get to the point where he’ll go to libraries and tractor pulls (remember, Texas) again, but I think it’s safe to say that here and here are out.

A spokesman for Family Dollar said the store is conducting its own internal investigation into the incident.

Uh oh, the Family Dollar investigators are on it! I hear they’ve almost found Hoffa something like 6 times! That guy is fucked.

Posted in News, Texas | 1 Comment »

It’s Like Prom Night All Over Again

I think it’s safe to call this a bad fucking day:

CARACAS (Reuters) - A Venezuelan man who had been declared dead woke up in the morgue in excruciating pain after medical examiners began their autopsy.

Carlos Camejo, 33, was declared dead after a highway accident and taken to the morgue, where examiners began an autopsy only to realize something was amiss when he started bleeding. They quickly sought to stitch up the incision on his face.

I for one will be requesting an anesthetic for my autopsy.

Posted in FFS, News | No Comments »

Mom?

Man, this brings back memories:

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Posted in Mugshot, News | 1 Comment »

I’m Told This Isn’t Gay

Today’s conversation came about as a result of this news story:

Joboo says:
Holy crap! One of the Wachowski brothers had a sex change! That’s awesome.

M says:
Dude!

M says:
I’m looking for pictures now.

Joboo says:
He got hooked up with a dominatrix in LA, so now not only did he have a sex change. He’s a freaking lesbian!

M says:
Right now he’s dressing as a woman and taking hormones. I’ve found two pictures; a before and after…. gotta say, he looks better as a woman.

Joboo says:
She wasn’t exactly a good looking man.

Joboo says:
Dang, you’re right.

M says:
Ok, you found it.

M says:
It’s the only picure I’ve found of Larry as a woman.

Joboo says:
That is just great.

Joboo says:
I have no idea why I’m giggling about this.

M says:
I like it when a plan comes together. Even if that plan involves flaying a penis, inverting it, and tucking it into the pelvic cavity.

Joboo says:
See, that’s funny.

Joboo says:
Incoming by the way.

Joboo says:
So the question comes to mind, what celebrities would make good looking members of the opposite sex?

M says:
Wow, that’s a tough one.

Joboo says:
And the bigger question is, is it gay of us to even contemplate this?

M says:
So far all I have is not Michael Rapaport.

M says:
Freddie Prinze Jr.

Joboo says:
Colin Ferrell

M says:
I was gonna say him! But his jawline is too pronounced.

Joboo says:
And for the record, I don’t think it’s gay because we’re saying if they were women, would they be good looking.

M says:
I’m a little scared that we both came up with Colin first.

M says:
Ryan Phillipe.

Joboo says:
David Niven would have made a good looking woman I think.

M says:
Young Tom Skerritt.

Joboo says:
Hmmm… I don’t know about that.

M says:
I’m thinking M*A*S*H Tom Skerritt.

Joboo says:
Yeah, he was still a little rugged though.

Joboo says:
Dude, Patrick Swayze.

M says:
Oh hell yeah. I’d fuck her.

M says:
Young Travolta.

M says:
Chris Masterson, who played Francis on Malcolm in the Middle.

Joboo says:
Yeah. The only problem with young Travolta woman would be her becoming old fat Travolta woman.

M says:
Yeah, young Travolta’s more of a trophy wife.

Joboo says:
Doogie Howser

Joboo says:
How about Val Kilmer?

M says:
Same with Travolta, but yeah.

M says:
Crispin Glover. Sure, she’s the chick who’ll key your car after a minor disagreement, but crazy fucks good.

Joboo says:
He just gets creepier with age.

M says:
Michael J. Fox.

M says:
Corey Haim, pre-methface.

Joboo says:
You could say the dad from Family Ties too. Michael Gross.

M says:
Jon Bon Jovi and Scott Baio.

M says:
Ok, this is now alarmingly easy.

M says:
David Cassidy.

Joboo says:
JBJ, yeah. Scott Baio, I’m not so sure about.

Joboo says:
Heck, I think a female Bon Jovi would be hotter than 95% of all women in Hollywood.

M says:
Yeah, I’d do her.

M says:
John Cusack.

Joboo says:
All of Duran Duran.

M says:
I’m saying Jack Black not because I think he’d be a hot woman, but because I knew a woman who looked like him.

Joboo says:
Cusack & Jake Gyllenhall are too easy. We have sisters to show what they might look like.

Joboo says:
I saw him Black in a movie where he was cleaned up & everything. I could see it.

M says:
Those two would be 10x hotter than their sisters.

M says:
Especially Cusack.

M says:
Fuck, have you seen the mouth on that guy?

Joboo says:
Cusack yes. No doubt.

M says:
Uh, wow, not sure where that came from.

Joboo says:
No problem. On Duran Duran I was thinking that Simon’s pouty lips would look great if he was a chick.

Joboo says:
Remember, if they were women.

Joboo says:
That was too much huh?

M says:
Nah, I’m trying to picture Redford without all the wrinkles.

M says:
Oh wait, Ricky Schroeder. There you go.

Joboo says:
Dude. Not quite as hot as Jon Bon, but close.

M says:
I’m not sure I can beat that.

Joboo says:
For purposes of my sanity & gag reflex, I’m declaring those 2 the winners.

M says:
Sounds good to me.

Apologies to Jason Bateman and Orlando Bloom. Your exclusions from the list are terrible omissions.

Posted in Joboo, News | 3 Comments »

Gunga Galunga

In a day chock full of strange goings-on, I love this one the most.

Bill Murray could face a drunken driving charge after cruising through downtown Stockholm in a golf cart and refusing to take a breath test, citing U.S. law.

Do I really need to go on here? It’s freakin’ Bill Murray! Oh, and 2 things:

1. He was driving a golf cart through Stockholm, Sweden while drunk.
2. He apparently hadn’t noticed that he’d driven the golf cart from the US to Stockholm.

Holmlund said it wasn’t clear where Murray picked up the vehicle, or to whom it belonged.

“It was a golf cart. How it ended up in this predicament I don’t know,” he said, adding that Murray wasn’t facing any theft charges.

Predicament? How about it was just the luckiest golf cart in the world? Did you even consider that? Most golf carts are doomed to lives of Titleist dents and stale beer farts. This one’s a star. Ok, the beer farts are still there, but it was European beer filtered through Bill Murray!

So it’s got that going for it, which is nice…

Posted in News | 1 Comment »

Foreign Drivers

This guy and this kid make me feel a little better about our cracked out truck drivers on American interstates.

First, Mr. Stoic:

A Japanese man continued to drive his motorcycle for over a mile after losing his right leg below the knee when he hit the central reservation on a motorway in Hamamatsu, south-west of Tokyo.

Ok, did everyone get that? Here, let me help. HE KNOCKED HIS FUCKING LEG OFF! HE KNOCKED HIS FUCKING LEG OFF! FFS, HE KNOCKED HIS FUCKING LEG OFF! Dude’s just going for a bike ride, and all of a sudden, he’s one of the Crazy 88s in Kill Bill.

Mr Osada noticed the loss of his lower leg when he arrived at a junction 2km from the scene of the accident. Another motorcyclist travelling with him returned to pick up the severed limb.

Here’s where I laugh. He didn’t notice his missing leg until he stopped again. Why did he notice it? Because when he stopped, he probably fell right over. If you could ignore the blood spouting from his stump, you’d totally laugh.

Next we’ve got Colonel Heinrich von Sanders:

A 17-year-old German joyrider faces a legal plucking after provoking the death of 300 chickens by crashing a van into their Kassel abode, Reuters reports.

Now I’ve done some stupid things in my life. In fact, I’ve done a great many stupid things for no better reason than the fact that they would make for a great story after the fact. For that reason, I totally envy this kid.

The unnamed perp apparently took the vehicle from a fairground where he was staying and piled it into the nearby chicken shed containing 1,000 birds. A police spokesman explained: “Apparently some of the chickens were so desperate to get away that they ran into the wall and died. Others suffered heart attacks.”

I’d really like to know who had the enviable job of determining the cause of death for the 300 chickens. You’re going about your day, doing rape kits on pigs, when all of a sudden they haul in a parachute full of chicken carcasses marked “RUSH.” Mondays…

Posted in News | 1 Comment »

Utter BS

This is a great story, but seriously, it was an accident?

THE call letters KUNT have landed at a yet-unbuilt low-power digital television station in Wailuku, Maui.

The same station owner also received KWTF for a station in Arizona.

Wow, that’s amazing. The same company requested two humorous and borderline obscene sets of call letters. It couldn’t have been on purpose or anything.

(more…)

Posted in Assclownery, News | 1 Comment »