My Diseased Mind

Yikes

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 20:22:47 +0000

I’m not particularly squeamish about most things. I’ve cleaned up puke, changed diapers, and seen various animals slaughtered, cleaned, and converted into food. However, there’s one phrase I really could have gone my whole life without learning.

Mucus Plug

This experience has changed me. I know that I will never be the same. It is my own personal Omaha Beach, as sad as that is. I feel like I’m ready for anything now.

But I’m mainly just ready to not hear that phrase again.

Twelve Years in the Making

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 21:50:57 +0000

I’m sleeping in on Monday.

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 20:27:48 +0000

Ouch.

GLASTONBURY, England, Nov. 3 (UPI) — A British 19-year-old has officially changed his name to “Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined.”

The Glastonbury, England, teenager — originally named George Garratt — said his new name, which is thought to be the world’s longest, has so outraged his grandmother that she is no longer speaking to him, The Telegraph reported Monday.

The teen said he used an online service to officially change his name for a $20 fee.

“I wanted to be unique,” Captain Fantastic said of his name choice. “I decided upon a theme of superheroes.”

19 years old, and he’s already sick of having sex. Now that’s just sad.

Baseball’s Been a Very Good to Heem

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 21:50:32 +0000

I’m going to just go ahead and deflect the inevitable “American Pastime” jokes by pointing out that Matt Stairs is Canadian.

Feel free to commence with the “City of Brotherly Love” jokes.

Right Hand Ring Month

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 05:32:09 +0000

I’ve been breathlessly informed via e-mail by Jared Jewelers, that October is Right Hand Ring Month. Bear in mind that I currently owe this company a great deal of money, one of my children (suckers!), 750 hours of community service, a carton of smokes, and 3 goats. According to the thorough skimming I gave this missive in the nanoseconds before I shitcanned it, I’m being encouraged to purchase a diamond ring for Manda’s right hand. Now I don’t want to seem negative, but unless there’s some mechanism by which we could somehow divide her apparently lefty-only ring into two equal rings, then Jared Jewelers can go straight to hell.

I mean that in the best possible way.

And Michael Stipe is From REO Speedwagon, Right?

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 18:25:37 +0000

Watching TV with The Boy, someone mentions Bono, prompting him to ask me if that was the guy from Youtube. Between that and overhearing him ask a friend if the Red Hot Chili Peppers are still alive, I’m apparently ready for the nursing home.

Mmmmmm… tapioca…

Mmmmmmmm… Popcorn…

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 16:22:34 +0000

With school back in full swing, Manda and I have gotten used to having the kids around again. The three of them spent six weeks this summer with their respective other parents. Their returns, while certainly joyous, marked the end of freedom for us. Swearing is (mostly) out. Gone are the days of screwing in the living room and kids’ rooms (kitchen is probably still OK). We can’t buy ice cream anymore, because the kids will probably want some too.

The Boy: I ate popcorn I found in the trash!
Me: When did you do this?
TB: I found some popcorn in the trash at school, and I took it to Grandma’s and ate it. It was microwave popcorn.
M: Why would you do something like that?
TB: I saw a kid throw it away. It was still wrapped in the plastic.
Alien: Is that the popcorn you made today?
TB: Yeah.
A: (disgusted) I ate some of that!

So the question is, should I condemn his hobo ways, or applaud his frugality?

Crossing One Off the List

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 19:01:37 +0000

If you’d asked me a year ago what I would be doing on 9/21/08, I wouldn’t have said, “Painting my office with 2 coats of garden orchid.” But damned if that’s not what I was doing. Yep, we’re having a daughter to supplement three boys. And for those of you who know me, the smart money says she’s not going to a private school.

Gotta Love Texas Schools

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 15:40:24 +0000

Nicknames

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 04:01:01 +0000

I’ve been doing informal testing of nicknames for Manda. My preliminary findings:

Angel = Good.
Babydoll = Good.
Cockpit = Bad.
Peach Pit = Neutral.
Sugartits = Good(!)
Milkjuggs = Bad.
NaughtySchoolgirlWhoTotallyLooksUnderageButIsn’t = Neutral.
Hairy Girl = Good.
Thatch = Bad.
Belly = Bad.
Poo = Bad.
Pooh = Good. Thank you consistency.
Smart Ass = Bad.
Dumb Ass = Bad.
Ass = Bad.

All for science.