My Diseased Mind

Dirty Haiku

I know; I get it
bestiality is wrong
wait, do kittens count?

Dirty Haiku

healthy dose of spit
my cock won’t burst into flames
balls deep in your ass

Weekend at Virgilio’s

If I were given two guesses as to where this happened, I would have gotten it on the second guess.

Two men wheeled a dead man through the streets in an office chair to a check-cashing store and tried to cash his Social Security check before being arrested on fraud charges, police said.

David J. Dalaia and James O’Hare pushed Virgilio Cintron’s body from the Manhattan apartment that O’Hare and Cintron shared to Pay-O-Matic, about a block away, spokesman Paul Browne said witnesses told police.

“The witnesses saw the two pushing the chair with Cintron flopping from side to side and the two individuals propping him up and keeping him from flopping from side to side,” Browne said.

Ok, so far, this seems reasonable enough.

The men left Cintron’s body outside the store, went inside and tried to cash his $355 check, Browne said. The store’s clerk, who knew Cintron, asked the men where he was, and O’Hare told the clerk they would go and get him, Browne said.

Still seems pretty straightfo… wait, what? $355 bucks? Uh, why not go to a different freakin’ store?

A police detective who was having lunch at a restaurant next to the check-cashing store noticed a crowd forming around Cintron’s body, and “it’s immediately apparent to him that Cintron is dead,” Browne said.

Here’s where you can tell it’s New York. The detective probably finished his lunch before he went out there.

I’ve got about 900,000 Weekend at Bernie’s jokes, as well as several about Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman being available for the TV movie. Because I can’t really settle on one, I’m going to open this one up to the floor. Who’s got the best joke?

Overheard on December 26th

The day after Christmas, The Boy had this conversation with my cousin. Note that this was just over twenty four hours after my mom, in a fit of what can only be described as shitflinging lunacy, presented him with a present of six throwing stars.

Cousin: What did you get for Christmas?
The Boy: (shows off the throwing stars)
Cousin: Wow, who gave you those?
The Boy: Grandma
Cousin: She did? What else did she give you, a bazooka? Assault rifle? Grenades?
The Boy: Did she tell you?

And with those four words, my son bested my cousin, a recent engineering graduate, in a battle of wit.

100% pure evil!!!

Poor old Johnny Ray
Sounded sad upon the radio
But he moved a million hearts in mono
Our mothers cried
Sang along
Who’d blame them
You’ve grown, so grown
Now I must say more than ever
(Come On Eileen)
Too-ra-loo-ra, too-ra-loo-rye, aye
And we can sing just like our fathers

Come on Eileen
Oh, I swear what he means (what he means)
At this moment you mean everything
You in that dress
My thoughts I confess
Verge on dirty
Oh, come on Eileen

(Come On Eileen)

These people round here
Wear beaten down eyes sunk
In smoke dried faces
They’re so resigned to what their fate is
But not us (no not ever)
But not us (not ever)
We are far too young and clever
(Remember)
Too-ra-loo-ra, too-ra-loo-rye, aye
And you’ll hum this tune forever

Come on Eileen
Oh, I swear what he means
Aah, come on let’s
Take off everything
That pretty red dress
Eileen (tell him yes)
Aah, come on let’s
Aah, come on Eileen

That pretty red dress
Eileen (tell him yes)
Aah, come on let’s
Aah, come on Eileen

Come on Eileen, too-rye-aye
Come on Eileen, too-rye-aye
Now you’re full grown
Now you have shown
Oh, Eileen

Say, come on Eileen
These things they are real and I know
How you feel
Now I must say more than ever
Things round here have changed
I say, too-ra-loo-ra, too-ra-loo-rye-aye

Come on Eileen
Oh, I swear (what he means)
At this moment, you mean everything
You in that dress, my thoughts I confess
Which are dirty
Aah, come on Eileen

Aah, come on Eileen
Oh, I swear (what he means)
At this moment, you mean everything
You in that dress, my thoughts I confess
Well, they’re dirty
Come on Eileen

Come on Eileen..

Let’s see if you can get that one out of your head now.  MUWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!

Tags: Come On Eileen, Dexy's Midnight Runners, evil

Dirty Haiku

Ow! Doubled over.
punched in the baby maker
new to fisting then?

My New Year’s Resolutions

In a fit of originality, I’ve decided to post 10 of my resolutions for the upcoming year. I should probably include something about not using lists to avoid having to really think about what I’m writing, but I just wouldn’t be human if I eliminated all of flaws. I did take the numbers out of the lists, so just think of it as a series of short paragraphs.

Spend More Time With the Kids — If for no other reason than the fact that they will someday choose my nursing home.

Eat Less Dairy, More Fiber — Yeah, fat fucking chance. Let’s move on.

Exercise More — Ditto.

Dance — Ok, that was the last complete bullshit resolution. I promise.

Spend Less Money on Frivolous Things — I’m jumping right on this one, just as soon as I can find a way to categorize porn as something other than frivolous.

Sell My Possessions and Run Away to Mexico — This should probably be more of a 5-year plan, but I’m going to give it my best shot.

Eliminate Credit Card Debt — Yeah, hilarious…

Leave the Country at Least Once — Ideally, I won’t be leaving under a cloud of suspicion, unable to return. If that’s the only way it will happen, though, I’m cool with it. I hear Roman Polanski is free–just not free to come back.

No More Resolutions — This is how you can tell that I’m an idiot. If I had any sense, this would have been the first one.

Happy New Year everyone. Try and make it home safely tonight.

Tags: 2008, Assclownery, new year, Resolutions

Don’t look back in anger

As we drop the curtain on another year, it’s time to go introspective.  Here’s my 10 questions raised by events of 2007.  Good luck to everyone in 2008.

1. Does it really matter who we elect president?  We’re still over 10 months away from elections, there’s been more debates than anyone can remember, there’s more candidates raising more money staying in the race longer to collect more federal matching funds than before.  There has been more reports & suspicions of viable candidates that aren’t mainstream being shut out by the media than ever before.  And one half of the most scandal-ridden White House couple ever is still a front-runner?  Never has it been more apparent that our presidency is simply for sale to the highest bidder.
2. Can you see that Andy Warhol was right?  Reality TV is only getting bigger.  In related news, my 15 minutes of fame is for sale to the highest bidder.
3. Do you think we care too much about sports?  What sport hasn’t been hit with a cheating scandal this year.  Curling?  Maybe if professional athletes weren’t paid so much while schoolteachers exist around the poverty level, they wouldn’t feel so much pressure to do anything to get ahead.
4. Are we really that stupid?  Do Americans really want to know that much about Brittney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, etc.?  Really?  I was born in the wrong time.
5. Do I look old to you?  My mom once told me that the older I got, I would have more people I know die.  It made sense then, but I didn’t understand what it would mean to me.  Now I’m starting to understand.  My first high school classmate passed away recently.  A friend that I had lost touch with over the years.  First, I was stunned.  But upon reflection, I was amazed that we had all made it this far.  Matt, here’s to you bro.
6. Can’t we all just get along?  In a world that is supposed to progress in enlightenment & tolerance, we seem to revile people for their differences instead of appreciate them.  And it’s getting worse.  People keep getting killed over their sexual orientation, color of their skin, side of the street they live on, etc.  People have body parts ripped off because they root for the wrong team?  Come on people.
7. Where’s the pride gone?  At the same time, there’s things that we need to take a stand for.  America was built by immigrants.  But immigrants that worked for the privilege of citizenship.  Not those that snuck into the country & siphoned off resources from taxpayers.  There’s a fine line to be trod here that we should seek to be on.  But selling off large portions of the US to foreign interests & putting signs & documents in 2 languages so that people here illegally can get services is stepping way over that line.
8. Is the US really the biggest issue in the middle east & the Muslim world?  All the civilians killed in Iraq by other Iraqis.  Bhutto assassinated.  We may not be helping, but we ain’t the cause.
9. Can we see past our own noses?  We are the real ‘Me’ generation.  Parents who don’t care about their kids.  Politicians who don’t care about their constituants.  Businesses that don’t care about their customers.  The proliferation of bloggers.  How many things are driven by one core behavior?  Selfishness.  Everyone wants more for them.  More money, more power, more material goods, more fame.  As Rodney Dangerfield once said ‘Always look out for #1.  But be careful not to step in #2.’  We can take care of ourselves & still be good to our fellow men.
10. Can’t we see that we’re the disease & the cure?  It’s corny, but it’s true.  The answer to all my questions is people wanting to change.  Nothing gets better in nobody does anything about it.  And nobody will do anything if they don’t look beyond themselves & see what we’re doing to our world.  I’d really like to not have this question next year.

Kindergarten Christmas Programs

Because today was the first day of my Christmas vacation and Manda had to work, I was charged with attending her son’s Christmas program. The conversation went like this:

A: Hey, could you go to Alien’s Christmas program on Friday? It’s during work for me.
M: Sure, that sounds like fun. What time is it?
A: 8:30 in the morning.
M: Khaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

I’m paraphrasing, but you get the gist of it.

So, on my first day of vacation, I got up earlier than I do on workdays so that I could shower and return to the campus that hosted the bulk of my early childhood shame.

While there, it occurred to me that there are 4 kinds of kids in these programs:

1. The Rank & File — These kids are the most plentiful. Much like The Dukes of Hazard, they’re making their way the only way they know how, and that involves singing as quietly as possible while aping the actions of the the teacher assigned to completely shred her dignity in front of the parents.

2. The Performer — These are the kids in the front row who are way too into the experience. They usually take dance classes, and when they grow up, would like to be both a ballerina and a veterinarian. Predominantly female.

3. The Robot — The Robots are given speaking lines, usually because they are among the loudest kids in the class. They speak said lines with a cadence best reserved for 50’s sci fi robots.

4. The Choke Artist — There are usually 1-2 choke artists per program. These kids were also given speaking lines. However, the responsibility has now overwhelmed them, and on the big day, they freeze. Despite thousands of recitations the previous few days, the lines have disappeared from their minds, and nothing but the whirring of video cameras can be heard, recording their shame. The choke artist is also referred to as my favorite.

Also noteworthy was the final skit, in which Alien, being the freakishly tall kid of his class, was the star on their Christmas tree. I noticed a strong similarity between their setup, and an iconic part of our culture:

Fuckin A…

Holding a gun to Santa’s head.

Someday, we’ll address the fact that my posts have been forced to follow a myriad of topics that fall into the ‘tough act to follow’ category.  But I don’t mind.  I relish the challenge like Joey Chestnut relishes a Nathan’s Famous.  And since this is the last Friday before Christmas, it’s time for me to post my ‘If it were only possible’ Christmas list.  The 10 things, in no particular order, that I know won’t come to pass this next year, but I really wish they would.

1. A good sushi restaurant within 30 minutes of my home.  Why is this not possible?  I live in rural Missouri.  Of every 10 people I mention sushi to, 9 will make a joke involving fish bait.
2. Congress & the President work for the actual good of the people instead of their own parties & interests.  Most unlikely thing on the list.
3. Barry Bonds has a body part actually explode.  Most likely thing on the list.
4. Tom Cruise gets caught in bed with Neil Patrick Harris.  Oh we all know it’s going on.  But they hide inside the Scientology complex to leave no shot for the paparazzi.
5. Will Ferrell apologizes for not being funny.  And millions of people realize they’ve been had.
6. Celebrity reality show death match.  My money would be on Gene Simmons to take down Danny Bonaduce in the finals.
7. The Amish Outlaws hit the big time.
8. Scientists combine DNA of Carson & Letterman to create perfect late-night host.  Only if they kept some of Johnny around.
9. Yankees & Red Sox share last place with 0-162 record.  Absolutely impossible, but a glorious thought.
10. You new voice of the Michigan Wolverines, JOBOO!!!   Someday baby, someday.

Tags: Amish Outlaws, Barry Bonds, Christmas, sushi, Tom Cruise